You have to be fit to go on the road... tough, strong, honed to Olympian perfection in every sinew. There will be NO notes from mum — "Dear Venue, please excuse Rupert from playing tonight as he has a bad cold and an upset stomach." Bah.

So what happens 15 minutes before the gig when you're feeling weak as a sparrow and you just have to pump iron? If you're Animal of the Anti-Nowhere League — former judo instructor and karate expert — you improvise...

A. THE NUT TIGHTENER

Grasping amplifier in right hand, lift from floor to waist height while bracing left arm on left knee. Repeat until knuckles turn purple. Places a great strain on ligaments in left shin, so bind well with belts, buckles and calf high leather boots. Expect some shrinkage in trousers. Good for deltoids and muscles that stop your eyes from falling into cornflakes the morning after 12 pints of Ruddles.

B. THE HARVEY WALLBANGER

Here Animal demonstrates the 60 watt smash — two 30 watt combos raised crisply from chest level to collide two feet above your head. Reinforces shoulder, back and neck muscles. It is wise not to smoke after this exercise as hair may be full of chipboard shavings resulting in a small, skull orientated conflagration.

C. THE RINSE

Not, in fact, a method of improving tendon fibre, but a technique developed by gipsy rovers for temporarily removing tattoos. Animal proves that supporting an amplifier over his head for five minutes drains the blood from his arms, thus rendering invisible all marks from red hot needles, dentist drills or nibs dipped in Quink.

D. THE HEAVE

It is wrong to believe that amplifiers are unfeeling brutes incapable of emotion or unaffected by exertion. In this picture a game little combo attempts to wrestle Animal to the ground, failing dismally but raising a considerable sweat in the process.

E. THE DRILL AND SANDER ATTACHMENT

When not being used as dumbells, the average transistor based combos makes an ideal ventriloquist's dummy. A carefully placed left hand operates the speaker from the rear causing the dummy to recite the lyrics to "Let's Break The Law".

F. THE LOAD-BEARING INDEX FINGER UNDER THRUST

Finally after continual exertion, years of self denial and a packet of winegums, you'll be able to do this. A lone index finger is capable of balancing an amplifier weighing easily more than two ounces.

What's more remarkable is the outstretched left hand which is preparing to catch a Steinway grand piano hurled aloft and now out of camera range.