Three Steps To Heaven

EDITOR: PAUL COLBERT. No 1: buy the hospital where you were delivered, knock it down, build a really swish stud farm and tell St Peter "actually, they've improved the stable an awful lot since I was born there." No 2: be nice to people but get them to sign for it. No. 3: eat dynamite and don't go to the toilet for a month.

ASSISTANT EDITOR: TONY BACON. Well, frankly, I reject "heaven" as basically a fundamentally capitalist notion whereby the poor are kept basically poor in the vain hope that one day they might basically die and become, somehow, rich — where 'rich' is like a spiritual and a material concept. On the other hand, fire is basically frightening stuff.

NEITHER OF THE ABOVE: JON LEWIN. Step one: peg out in a holy way, preferably while dressed as a priest/vicar/pop, just to help St Peter get the idea. Step two: turn right out of Charing Cross BR Station and head down the side street past the McDonalds, and it's on the right about 150 yards down in the dingy passage way sort of thing. Step three: join Showaddywaddy. Which isn't too dissimilar from Step One, with brothel creepers.