A INTRODUCTION

Congratulations on having purchased the finest model in the Gewgaw range of musical equipment, the ZX101B Music Producer. This microprocessor-based unit will allow you to produce excellent top-quality musical sounds in all manner of modern styles, and should give you years of composing and listening pleasure. This manual is written with you the user in mind, and is designed to help you get the very best from your new tool.

B GETTING IT OUT OF THE BOX

Clear a space and position your box containing the ZX101B Music Producer in the middle of it. Several safety functions are included on the transit casing and should not give much trouble to a skilled explosives expert. The main thing to watch out for is the system of explosive bolts hidden by the distributor's highly decorative label. Once your ZX101B is out, put it on a work table.

C IN-UNIT POWER ROUTING

The power lead supplied has a six-pin Plugghex® mains connector which is incompatible with any known mains system in the world. So chop it off and put on your own standard three-pin mains plug. You'll discover quite soon that there is not a spare plug in the house, no matter how many drawers you empty or cupboards you peer into.

So curse an awful lot, throw a few things about, and pop down to the very expensive electrical shop in the high street and buy one. Plug your Music Producer into the mains once you're all done. The active/inactive mode regulation selector is on the left at the front of the control panel, and is clearly marked in striking brown, "ON/OFF". Turn it on and go, "Oh, lovely!" as all the little lights go blinkety blinkety blink. Or go, "Oh, shit!" as nothing happens at all, apart from a very faint smell of burning reaching your nostrils.

D CONTROL NOMENCLATURE TABULATION

This high-quality precision tool has been designed for musicians, so we have deliberately made it as simple as possible. It's hard for us boffins to sink low enough so that we can perceive such feeble intellects, but we have tried. We think it's simple, anyway, and that's what matters. You may well detect a discrepancy between the vast accumulations of cash (see A) with which you have parted, and the minimal control knobs, circuitry and general hardware within and without the ZX101B. Don't worry. Or, if you prefer, by all means worry. We also know that musicians won't make a fuss and will accept appalling equipment that no other artist would put up with. So there.

Here is the control nomenclature as promised:

1 ON/OFF Signal-to-noise incrementor, which also (if you are using files with decremental file numbers or metal clips) enters the first file name into MEMORY STORE. Also turns ZX101B into activated or non-activated residual power mode (battery operation default) and in some cases (see accompanying leaflet by Dr Spliff) into a toad.

2 MEMORY STORE Specially developed Gewgaw WOM chips (Write-Only Memory) make this state-of-the-art device a powerful tool that shames other manufacturers and makes other Music Producers seem to work like mechanical dinosaurs. The keypad by the LCD screen is divided into two modes: Commercial Music (CM Mode) and Experimental Music (EM Mode). CM Mode is enabled on sight of the Smash Hits logo, while EM Mode requires running a light-pen over 53 consecutive unemployment-benefit Giros for activation.

CM Mode: The 0-9 keys are used to enter projected sales figures (up to six digits and two commas), and will double as length, pitch and envelope parameter incrementation keys when lit.

EM Mode: The 0-9 keys are used for entering ALF value (Average Listener Figure — up to two digits). These will double as LIC value pad input keys (Later Influence Claim) when lit.

DepecHe Mode: The 0-9 keys are ignored and you can dance across the stage instead while little girls scream very loudly.

3 MUSIC INPUT A built-in microphone samples up to 23 minutes of information at full bandwidth, and should be set mid-way between your hi-fi's speakers, the musical source. Special Gewgaw circuitry converts this sampled sound into easily understood pop music codes which will trigger up to 16 synthesisers via on-board MIDI channels (see separate 16-volume set "MIDI Implementation On The ZX101B Part One") or via Gewgaw's own MIDOFF system (Musical Instrument Dodgy Old Functional Failure). A special 17-pin DIN to six-pin Plugghex® connector is required for MIDOFF operation. ("MIDOFF? Never heard of it, but fantastic news for anyone ever doing anything anywhere at any time, and excellent value for money" — I&MM. "Crap" — One Two.)

4 PROCESSOR The creative bit where you fiddle around with the sampled sound so that people won't recognise quite so easily what you've nicked (see separate leaflet "Where Copyright Ends The Bank Balance Begins").

5 MUSIC OUTPUT This translates the musical potential and simple pop music codes of the ZX101B into the language of the outside world. This is the much-discussed but seldom understood so-called cerebrum/reality interface. We mean, what is reality and how do we perceive it? And how do the Cocteau Twins ever manage to sound so good on record? MIDOFF sockets are here, clearly labelled THROUGH, QUITE CLOSE, and NOWHERE NEAR. Other sockets on the Communication Environment Panel are:

Footswitch: Surgically-applied option for left or right big toe, with easily stowable lead in supplied Holesox®.

Delay Out: Four excuses on constant back-up tape loop. Choose from, "I've got a headache," "We went there last night," "Postman Pat's on TV," or, "There are tigers outside the door and I haven't fed them today — you know what they're like when they're hungry."

Level: Cruise Missile option (except West German models), guaranteed to level a continent of your choice (free bonus levelling of Europe with each firing).

CV In: Stores last two jobs, one independent referee, and lies convincingly about your school.

E CARE OF YOUR UNIT

Do not store in freezer tray at less than ***, and avoid rehearsal room ashtray back-up function. Do not drop this delicate electronic instrument from 13th floor windows in US hotels as they don't exist. Avoid bad acid like the plague. Avoid the plague. Do not subject your ZX101B to strong shocks, such as letting it see Frankie Goes To Hollywood play "live" or leaving it near a TV while the new dull "Whistle Test" is showing. Make sure no foreign matter gets into your instrument — Gewgaw have, however, taken the precaution of hiring and training an SAS-style team of ruthless, murderous mercenaries to meet this eventuality. Do not let your pal with the soldering iron convert your unit into a microwave oven as you'll have to eat unbrowned chicken pieces for the rest of your life. Clean the casing of the ZX101B only with Yukov® cleaning fluid, available only from Gewgaw (USSR) Division Ltd. Do not attempt to change the course of Western music near your devilishly efficient new purchase.

F DIMENSIONS

Standard 19in rack-mount type, although we seem to have got one of the holes on the flanges in the wrong place. No matter, it'll just sit a bit wonky in the rack. This will become a distinctive trademark. Visitors will be impressed. They will go, "Oh, you've got one of those," as they catch a glimpse of that give-away lopsidedness and inclination to droop slightly.

.00016 (W) x .000084 (D) x 12.7 (H) — furlongs
1.6 (W) x 0.97 (D) x 74.1 (H) — cubits