One of the most common requests we get from readers is 'How do I get to be a roadie? "Well," we say, "yer gotta 'ave a licence," And to get a Roadie's Licence, you must pass a written test. Here, exclusive to Making Music, is last year's exam paper.

ROADIE LICENCE TEST

1) Can you read this?
a)
b) No
c) Yes

2) Why do you want to be A Roadie?
a) I like music, but am too stupid to work for a record company
b) I like music, but am too ugly to be a musician
c) I like musical equipment, but am too stupid and ugly to work in a music shop

3) Do you have any physical or mental disabilities?
a) No
b) Yes
c) Five past two

4) How much can you lift with one arm?
a) One meatloaf [unit of weight]
b) Two Meatloaves
c) Two Meatloaves and a Fish

5) What is your average alcohol intake per night?
a) I don't drink
b) Ten pints
c) Can't remember

6) What is your favourite meal?
a) Roast dinner
b) Junk food
c) Junk

7 Can you use a soldering iron?
a) No
b) Yes
c) I did these tattoos myself, y'know

8) What would you do during the periods of boredom roadies must endure?
a) Look out of the window
b) Read porno mags
c) Watch the band

9) What should a roadie have hanging from his waist?
a) A big bunch of keys
b) His leggies
c) A beer belly
d) What waist?

10) How would you greet a Famous Popstar backstage?
a) The dressing rooms are this way, sir
b) Eric, me ole mucker — er, sorry, Mr Knopfler
c) Got any drugs?

11) What course of action would you follow if a young fan offered you sexual favours in return for an introduction to the group?
a) Politely refuse to comply with the request
b) Politely refuse to comply with the second part of the request
c) Politely refuse to comply with the first part of the request

12) How do you test microphones?
a) See if any noise is coming out of them
b) See if any noise is coming out of the speakers
c) Shout "one, two, testing" at them

13) What is a multicore?
a) A large wire
b) A large apple
c) A lot of groupies

Now, don't bother trying to add up your score — it's just too complicated.