Seven From '87

As the seasonal whiskey bottle passed around the Music Technology office and the same old jokes received their annual airing, it occurred to the obliging, efficient and intoxicated MT staff that a little seasonal humour at our own - and your - expense might be in order. So here, for your amusement and entertainment, are a selection of seven quotations, excerpts from letters and photographs that came MT's way during 1987. Some you may recognise as having appeared in print already, those you don't probably haven't - and you'll see why.

THEY SAID IT ...

"Let's face it, when somebody like Paul Young releases a record, how much of it is them? Did Paul Young produce it, engineer it, play all the instruments on it, make the coffee? Did he bollocks."
Paul Dakeyne

"Did you know that one of Japan's largest synthesiser manufacturers also make furniture and bathroom fittings? Neither did I, until I found myself bathing in a bathtub marked ******. A Japanese working for one of the other synthesiser manufacturers put it this way: 'Every time I take a piss and look down and see their name, it makes me feel good'."
Hugh Ashton

"Through working with the Police I discovered what value mistakes are. Sting would have played his bass part, and it would have had some small irregularities in it, no big howling mistakes, and I'd ask him to do it again and Sting would tell me to f... off."
Hugh Padgham

Mike Stock: "Can that wait, Matt?"
Pete Waterman: "Matt, you're doin' a bleedin' interview here."
Matt Aitken: "He's doin' it; I'll only be a minute."
Waterman: "No, you're doin' it; siddown. This is all going on tape."
Aitken (to tape recorder): "Matt exits stage left with builder."
Stock, Aitken & Waterman

"You know it's... it's like... I suppose... I mean, you can't help but see that that's going to... really, you know... and it is, you know, it's... er, what with people like Casio and Yamaha just constantly sort of... you know, just pushing it forward, er, in a way that you can't help but see those kind of people as... who are pushing it forward."
Anon Studio Owner

"One man's reverb is another man's drainpipe."
Steve Howell

Interviewer: Are you familiar with Todtentanz by Franz Liszt?
Keith Emerson: "Not a lot, no."
Interviewer: That's a beautiful piece.
Emerson: "Is it?"
Interviewer: It's right there with Pictures.
Emerson: "Is it really?"
Interviewer: Probably even more so.
Emerson: "Just piano, is it?"
Interviewer: Piano concerto.
Emerson: "Oh, really."
Interviewer: It lends itself so perfectly...
Emerson: "Todtentanz?"
Interviewer: Yes. German. Dance of death.
Emerson: "I'll have to check it out."
Anon Journalist

THEY WROTE IT ...

About the Industry...

Dear MT,
We would be most obliged if you would take the enclosed press releases and consider them for inclusion in the news pages of your wonderful, wonderful publication.

Thanking you in advance for letting the public in on this stupendous information.

Yours grovelling exceedingly,
RV (Head Groveller)

About Subscriptions...

Dear MT,
Referring to my letter 1967-02-24, there I said I didn't become my issue.

I became the Zappa issue the day after I wrote the letter. I beg you for forgiveness and forget what the letter says. Don't change anything. I want it as I said in my first letter. Thank you.
FA, Sweden

Dear MT,
2) To help alleviate problem (1) could you change my subscription name from Yahaya Abdullah to Tunku Yahaya Abdullah as it sounds more important and official. Honestly it does. 4) Could you please inform Martin Tennant that his London W2 rep for the Yamaha X-Owners Club is now living in Malaysia.

Anyway, if you guys are ever coming to Malaysia give me a call and I'll show you around.
Tunku Yahaya Tunku Abdullah, Kuala Lumpur

About Reviews...

Dear MT,
This is the point where the Mr Bob's "odd"-called feature, Fast Forward Record mode, appears in usefulness. I don't need to bounce every sequence I write, in a tedious normal speed, but very, very faster. Well, not to be so enthusiastic, maybe a little faster...

There goes the profit of this feature, Mr Bob. Not so odd, uh?
M de SA, Rio de Janeiro

About Pop Music...

Dear MT,
Glenn Miller has been able to stay at the forefront of popular music for the last forty years through the use of surgery and intense changes of mood.

He faked his death in 1944 and, after spending 10 years perfecting his Master Plan, re-emerged as the rockabilly rebel Buddy Holly. Another plane crash enabled him to change his persona to the inimitable Jim Morrison. He then used the eternally fashionable "drug accident" scenario to switch to the character of Iggy Pop.

In 1979 he employed a stand-in - 74-year-old Ian McCulloch - to take on the part of Pop and began a short but brilliant career as the doomed Ian Curtis. Following his "suicide" in 1980, Miller - now noticeably ageing - took up the Japanese art of bonsai as Steven Morrisey.

As I write, rumours abound that Glenn is about to change yet again and I, for one, will be watching the exploits of a certain Schoolly D with great interest.
L of W, West Yorkshire

About Demos...

Dear MT,
Should I:
Buy a drum machine?
Find somebody who can sing?
Have a lobotomy?
Take hormone injections?
Renew my subscription to MT?
RF, London

And About...

Dear MT,
PS. I happened to bump into a drummer friend of mine while I was in town doing some shopping, and he kindly offered to give me a lift home. However, in the busy car park we were unable to find his car. He felt a proper fool when, after three hours, he remembered he doesn't have one.
DB, Reading