The diary. What is it, except for a record of more days gone for ever, more missed opportunities, more lines etched in your tired features? More words on paper, more lumber down the river... Whoops, sorry, I forgot to engage Studio Diary forced gaiety mode. Here goes.

It's been another exciting and enriching month in the world of capstans, remotes, Dolby A and coffee spoons. In fact you could say that it's a month like any other in the last 15 years, cos Slade have been recording again, and the Roundhouse were the hosts of this dubious enterprise. It's enough to send a shiver of terror down the ol' vertebrae, especially when you realise that this epic is bound to be released just before Christmas. Ulp... Just when you thought life couldn't get any worse. Another set of rather less craggy old pro's are Dr Feelgood, who've also been in at the Roundhouse, hopefully not to record another Christmas Turkey. The rather more youthful features of Happy Nick Heyward have been in evidence at the same studio as he's been recording a single. Wonder if he bumped into Fuzzbox, they were recording a single too. Maybe they could record a Christmas special together. In fact, although at studios around the country they've been trying to convince us that their varying clients are all engaged in totally separate projects, it can be revealed in this very column that all of them are pairing up for seasonal exploitation purposes.

For example, Julian Cope and Dr and the Medics have obviously been recording together, at Britannia Row, allegedly on a single called 'Test Tube Spirits in a Psychedelic Christmas Stocking', that well-known Sky Saxon toon. The evidence for this is that they are working with Ed Stasium and Craig Leon respectively, who both used to work with the Ramones, who are well into exploitation. At the same studio, Daniel 'Warm Leatherette' Miller has been working with Depeche Mode and Vince Clarke's Erasure, both of them for 12" remixes. Smiley Culture's been doing some recording too — must make a change from doing telly adverts.

Many marriages are made in heaven, but not in Eden. That's because Roger Daltrey and Killing Joke were recording a salmon benefit single together, but Killing Joke blew out the session because Rog would make them look too old and ugly. Tentative sessions with Meatloaf and Ozzy Osbourne have been rejected for the same reason. Also at Eden The Men They Couldn't Hang have been executing album mixes with Mick Glossop, and Hollywood Beyond have been working on a single, producing themselves. Here we are.

At last, a genuine partnership; Lee John and David Grant have been recording a benefit single for sicklecell anaemia at Sarm West. On a more monetarist level, Amazulu have been working with Andy '20 tracks of vocals and it won't sound so bad' Hill. More Bad News — they've picked up dandruffed wigs and angled guitars again and been recording for another Comic Strip episode. On a slightly better sartorial front, Godley and Creme have been recording a single.

Mike Hedges has been producing both Siouxsie and the Banshees and Marc Almond at Abbey Road, so we can obviously put them down as a putative partnership. Maybe another Christmas record along the lines of Torment and Tinsel. The fabulous Duran Duran brothers are still recording at Abbey Road and Maison Rouge, with more rumoured line-up changes following the 'Guitar Legend' ad in Melody Maker. The personnel confirmed at the moment consist of Simon le Bon's left plimsoll and Nick Rhodes's mascara brush. Rumoured replacements include Barbara Dickson on guitar and Paul Nicholas on inane intersong links, as they've both been sighted furtively going in and out of Maison Rouge too. Mind you, with the kind of records Paul Nicholas makes, being furtive should be a permanent state. What do you expect from someone who records for K-Tel anyway?

Someone who will hopefully never record for K-Tel is Rickie Lee Jones who's been getting slinky at Maison Rouge Two. Not so sure about Shakin' Stevens, though; still, he is being produced by Dave Edmunds.

Tony Trynkles has been sighted in the distance with a pile of Velvet Underground records up his nose and 'Fender Jazzmaster' tattooed on his left buttock; he is believed to be working on a K-Tel compilation entitled 'Reed, Horkins, and all hairstyles in between'. Excuse me I think my old schizophrenia problem is recurring again so both of us had better get going.