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Are You A Musician?

Article from One Two Testing, December 1984

find out once and for all

Now you can find out with our fun-for-all-the-family quiz. And it's so easy. Below are 20 questions, each with three options for your answer. Simply mark the answer for each question which you feel most sums up your feelings. Then when you get to the end, check your answers against the How Did You Score? strip. Doctor Sptiff may help you here. Add up your score, and find out if you, too, are what Top Experts agree could safely be termed a musician. No more humming and hahing as people at parties ask, "And what do you do?" No more spaces in the "Occupation" bit in the passport. And no more room for this intro. Off you go.

1. Which of the following statements best sums up your current musical activities:

a. An extremely erotic act, part of a delicately evolved sexual routine.
b. Creative expression channelled through a mound of blinking electronic equipment and stored on floppy discs via a home-built analogue-digital interface.
c. Nonsense.

2. Your accountant rings up and asks what is the most lucrative switch on a synthesiser. You go into a deep technical exposition and conclude that it's:

a. Poly mode.
b. Unison mode
c. Depeche mode.

3. Which of the following comes closest to the current catchphrase among the collection of motley individuals loosely designated as your "group", is it:

a. "I put them down by the bins and the dustmen won't touch them "
b. "You big musician."
c. "I've got plenty at home."

4. Which of these names would most suit your next musical project?

a. Big Ones For Mummy.
b. As Long As It's Tender.
c. Love Tractor.

5. A very large gorilla rushes in to the studio and eats the engineer just as you are about to do the vocals for the last track on your new record. Do you:

a. Ask the gorilla for a bit more 10k in the cans.
b. Leave the faders down until the gorilla burps.
c. Ring the gorillagram company and congratulate them on cutting down on your production costs.

6. What do you think is the most impressive drink to leave casually resting on the drum riser?

a. Lucozade.
b. Horlicks.
c. Sainsbury's Pina Colada mixer pack.

7. What part do hallucinogenics play in the composition of your musical interludes.

a. Not a lot
b. You are a dancing penguin and my helicopter is full of eels.
c. Quite a bit.

8. What is the most annoying thing the keyboard player has said this morning. Is it:

a. "Emulate it!" when the thunderstorm commences outside the rehearsal room.
b. "You wouldn't understand — the nearest thing you've got to a MIDI socket is up your ischium."
c. "The waveforms and filter settings stay the same, naturally, but the second envelope generator gives immediate attack and decay. It's obvious."

9. If you could choose, you'd most like to be signed, to:

a. Sire for north America and EMI for all other territories.
b. ZTT.
c. Three years in Her Majesty's Armed Forces.

10. You are left in a room with a tee-shirt that reads "FRANKIE SAY" and has a blank space below. The only other object an the room is a black felt-tip marker. Do you:

a. Suck hard for a few minutes on the inky end of the marker until you die from extreme toxic poisoning.
b. Write "CAPITALISM!" on the space and feel like you've finally pinned-down the whole scheme
c. Cry.

11. The concept of a frank exchange of musical ideas with your peers in the world of popular entertainment:

a. Repels, you.
b. Inspires you.
c. Almost makes you break out in a cold sweat.

12. The worst thing that could possibly happen to you and your group is:

a. To be produced by Trevor Horn.
b. To be praised by Sounds as "a very loud noise".
c. To get a manager.

13. The next big thing in instrumentation for your group is likely to be:

a. A Trautonium.
b. Anything as long as it doesn't have a keyboard on it or linkable to it via MIDI.
c. A tongs-and-bones kit.

14. What is the closest figure to your earnings this week from music?

a. About £18 out of pocket.
b. 32/6.
c. More money than a million people could earn in their entire lives.

15. A friend suggests you go to a coffee morning where s/he will be showing the group's new video. You say that video is to music what:

a. Sampling is to a real piano.
b. Mike Read is to intelligence.
c. Realpolitiks is to moral and ethical ideas.

16. Would you predict the sampling time of the upcoming Emulator III to be:

a. 18 seconds.
b. Two days.
c. However long it is before Re-Ron blows us all to several million tiny pieces.

17. If you could be someone else other than your own worthless, contemptible self, you would be:

a. Colin Dumb-Chum.
b. Charlie Christian.
c. Diana Dors.

18. You hire an independent publicist and conclude that s/he knows nothing about music and everything about pocket calculators. You suggest that you will do only one interview, and submit your answer in advance. It is:

a. "One would expect us to defend it, but you can't please everyone."
b. "If you come a bit closer I'll remove your head."
c. "I take it that by 'garbage of the lowest order' you're referring to the cover design which, of course, we had nothing to do with."

19. Which of the following is the name of a symbol used in musical notation?

a. Zildjian.
b. Paiste.
c. Endorsement.

20. You and your partner spend a glorious fortnight investigating pleasures of the flesh, in spite of his/her being shy, inhibited and repellent to humans. S/he describes deep-seated feelings of inferiority and a fear of orgasm. Do you:

a. Go to sleep.
b. Throw off, all your clothes, you're all for experimentation.
c. Turn over and read "One Two Testing"!


1. a.5 b.0 c.10
2. a.5 b.0 c.10
3. a.0 b.10 c.5
4. a.10 b.5 c.0
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8. a.10 b.5 c.0
9. a.5 b.0 c.10
10. a.10 b.0 c.5
11. a.10 b.5 c.0
12. a.10 b.5 c.0
13. a.5 b.0 c.10
14. a.10 b.5 c.0
15. a.5 b.10 c.0
16. a.0 b.5 c.10
17. a.10 b.5 c.0
18. a.10 b.5 c.0
19. a.0 b.5 c.10
20. a.0 b.5 c.10



Oh yes. you're a musician all right, no doubt about that. Music is almost second nature to you: it oozes from your body much like sweat from a person with flu. It is almost certain that you will dominate popular culture for many days in the coming decades, and will lead us into a period of New Realism. Or you could get a job in a music shop.


You have a high level of musicianship, and would probably make a good roadie or bass player. A bit more practice and hard work would make you a much more tedious person to spend time with in the pub (hard to imagine, right?). Stay away from the juke box.


Music is part of your life, but not the be-all and end-all, A future in management could be a very good choice, as this will involve almost monthly contact with the world of music, but requires no firm commitment. Try a subscription to "Rolling Stone".


You've heard music before, have you? It's that jangly, boomy stuff between Tommy Vance's really fascinating monologues. Being a musician is not something you can just wander in and out of like an open-plan water closet. We suggest you have a good dump.


Are you sure you have the right magazine? You lack confidence in yourself and your own musical awareness, such as it is. You almost certainly have a good number of Iron Maiden records among your collection. Perhaps a record player would be a wise purchase? Being a musician is a possibility for everyone, not just the chosen few. Well, almost everyone. Leave your name at the door.

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Publisher: One Two Testing - IPC Magazines Ltd, Northern & Shell Ltd.

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One Two Testing - Dec 1984




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