Introduction

If ever there was a man more practised in the art of Yule Tide theatre than my Uncle Norman — God rest his soul — I for one should like to shake the chap's hand and bow a respectful head or two.

In the character of Norman we find a man who could express emotions of pure joy and elation at the drop of a hat, or indeed any other item offered under the guise of a Christmas present, no matter how doubtful its parentage or usefulness.

It is with particular vividness that I recall the case of one uniquely odious hat which entered my Uncle's life in just such a way. A tall green thing it was, fashioned out of felt in likeness of a rather lofty pork pie, and graced, if indeed that is the word, with a narrow and thoroughly uneven rim of chocolate brown raffia.

The mother of this invention was a distant younger cousin of mine named Eleanor who, we were given to believe, had laboured day and early evening over the making of the thing as part of her school handwork project.

In acknowledgement of her feat, Uncle Norm was required to wear this extraordinarily grim item of gents' headwear throughout the entire Christmas period, on pain of prepubescent tantrums from the evil niece. Eleanor's mother appeared entirely blinded with parental love for her daughter and professed quite openly to finding the hat most becoming of her brother-in-law, running on endlessly about how it suited him to a tee, and how handsome he looked in it, and so forth.

Such impertinence would surely have moved any normal man to violence. I do believe that if anyone were to suggest such a hat to be in keeping with my general appearance I should be forced to rise up and strike them about the mazzard, regardless of their age, sex or the closeness of any family tie. Norman, on the other hand, wore this sartorial blight with saint-like acceptance, gushing words of flustered gratification on cue like a true pro.

Due to abject poverty and a complete disregard for my existence on the part of my niece and nephew, I find myself insultingly free from any threat of unwanted gifts from that quarter. In fact, locked away as I am in this dark and dusty writer's garret, I find myself not unduly burdened with gifts of any kind at Christmas time. It is, then, in a spirit of true altruism that I have once again offered to pen this IM&RW Christmas Gift Guide, that any latter day Uncle Norms out there might be spared the pressures of expressing such deeply unfelt gratitude.

The fact is that even at this early age I could tell, deep down inside, Norman was bad-assed. It was further clearly apparent that behind the matching shirt and tie set, above the green furry slippers, below the horn-rimmed spectacles and just to the right of his left-hand breast pocket — kind of at the centre of Norm is what I'm getting at — there was one Mother of a... Norman. A finger pickin' Norman; a serious synthesist Norman; a heavy metal (Saxon) Norman. A non-normal Norman, if you see what I mean.

If he had just some source of light and guidance in the dark depths of his unhipness, things may have been different. And so I dedicate this guide to the memory of a truly unforgettable human being; a giant among men: Norman. Or was it Nigel?

Kemps Industry Year Book

For a mere fifteen sovs you are given an in to the world of recording studios, record producers, record companies, concert tour/promotion, artist management, PA & lighting hire, musical instruments, equipment manufacturers, transport, printing, pressing, insurance, merchandising, video and possibly even more. What you actually get is a list of companies, addresses and phone numbers, which is a great deal better than nothing. It's published every year in October and thus should still be pretty fresh by Christmas time.
Price: £15

Keyfax

For a chap to set out on such a Homeric work as this is something in itself, yet to complete it with such style, wit and charm is truly a great achievement. In this moderately priced paperback by Julian Colbeck you will find the vast majority of your questions regarding electronic keyboards answered, and in a chatty, easy-to-read style as well. There are chapters on monophonic synths, multi-instrument keyboards, pianos and organs, home keyboards, MIDI, polyphonic synths, remote keyboards, music computers and digital samplers, keyboard and computers, dedicated sequencers and recorders and hints on amplification, plus a glossary of terms and lists of useful addresses. It's an absolute whizz, it's available through Smiths and is not to be missed if you want to know what's what.
Price: £5.99

Microphones — Technique and Technology

This handy little paperback reaches deep into the mysteries of microphones without reaching too deeply into the closer guarded mysteries of your wallet. It is somewhat biased toward the products of AKG simply because it is itself a product of that same organisation. Published by Arsis Baedeker and Lang in 1981, this modest tome discusses choice and placement of microphones for different applications, including a chapter on transduction principles, response characteristics and room acoustics. The cover is one of the tackiest I've seen in modern times, but then you should never judge a book by its outside bit.
Price: £6.50

Sound Recording Practice

The almost legendary hardback book from the Oxford University Press, compiled by the APRS (Association of Recording Studios) and edited by John Berwick and containing a wealth of information concerning sound recording and the language and techniques of multitrack recording. Though it does go in depth into a number of subjects, the information is generally understandable with only a very basic knowledge of technical matters. It covers the complete programme chain (analogue and digital) from the microphone circuits to disc manufacturing taking time on the way to explain the basics of acoustics, mixing consoles, tape machines, monitors, signal processing plus general maintenance and equipment alignment. It isn't cheap, but it is a very useful reference book.
Price: £21.95

TEAC Guide To 4-Track Recording

People are always going on about how very easy it is to use a 4-track cassette system, and how multitrack has been brought to the masses, thus making people who can't even find where to load the cassette feel rather silly. As inventors of the multitrack cassette format, TEAC are the most likely chaps to come up with a handbook for the uninformed as to how to go about making the most of it. And indeed, that's what they've done in the TEAC Guide to 4-track Recording. A simple title and an easily understood book taking you through all the basic stages of preparation, recording, mixing and maintenance. This could be the beginnings of competence.
Price: £5.35

Using Video Tape

Another inexpensive paperback ideal for those who have managed to remain almost completely ignorant of the video recording process and are keen to mend their ways in the new year. It won't tell you how to shoot a video, but it will give you a basic understanding of how each component in the chain functions, thus providing a solid base for future learning. Jolly educational. It was written by J F Robinson and P H Beards, and the second edition came out in 1981 on Focal Press.
Price: £7.50

Boss Micro Rack

In the Boss Micro Rack we find proof that small isn't necessarily less. Miniaturisation has already brought with it such huge benefits as video game watches, personal hifi and talking motor cars, and now Boss have applied it to a new series of high quality sound processors.

The series currently consists of five models (the DD1 is a little too expensive for this gift guide) each contained in a standard neat aluminium case measuring 8-9/16" x 1-13/16" X 6-11/16". They can either simply be stacked on top of each other — free standing, or 19" rack mounted in pairs using an optional 1U high adaptor. Alternatively, Roland have designed a special Micro Rack in which up to five processors can be housed.

RPH-10 Phaser
Quiet, powerful, simple to use and very effective. If you're looking for a phaser this shouldn't disappoint you at the price.
Price: £125

RBF-10 Flanger
Just because it's been around for a long time, the flanger isn't passe. Used carefully it's a great and flexible effect. The RBF-10 is a very good unit, especially considering the price.
Price: £125

RCL-10 Compressor/Limiter/Expander/Gate
Excellent facilities considering the price, and the unit will provide a great range of very useful effects.
Price: £125

RGE-10 Graphic Equaliser
Not a lot more to say in this case. A reasonably quiet and effective equaliser for the price.
Price: £125

Brut — A Bottle Of

Someone must still be wearing it; they've got shelves of the stuff in the chemist round the corner from me. I knew a bloke who drunk some Brut splash-on lotion once. It was certainly all over for him for a week or two.
Price: You can't be serious

CABLING: The Sensible Present

How many times have I told you not to skimp when buying connecting cables of any kind? Yes, I know I have a load of cheap ones too, but I have made a New Year's resolution to replace any cable within my system that isn't up to the mark, and it seems that Sound Wires is a very good source of competent cabling at plausible prices.

Jack-to-Jack Leads

In Christmas present terms the jack-to-jack lead is the Rock 'n' Roll equivalent of the hankies or the socks. It's a very basic requirement for the electric musician, it will always come in handy and can never fail to bring a nod of recognition from the recipient. Look for heavy duty, flexible cable with tightly braided metal screening and sturdy metal connectors with coiled cable supports to ease the stress of the cable as it enters the connector. You can get right-angle jack connectors at one end — of particular use for connection to a guitar; completely straight cables, completely coiled cables and half-and-halfs. See your local dealer for specific makes; the likes of JHS, Sound Wires and Whirlwind come to mind as reliable lines. A true muso will always appreciate such a gift.
Prices: From around £8 for a 10m lead

MIDI Leads

The New Age equivalent of the old stalwart Jack-to-Jack, the DIN-to-DIN for the synthetic musician in your life. We are not talking about nipping out and acquiring a few hi-fi connectors here, not at all. We are looking at purpose-built, ruggedly constructed 5 pin DIN leads that will stand being rammed in and out of MIDI sockets several times a night — or at least a week — depending on how long the keyboards have been married. In buying such a lead for a friend you not only demonstrate your devotion to them, but also your high level of understanding of the needs of the modern synthesist. It's much easier to comprehend than FM programming and quantisation noise, etc. Roland do a series of three varying lengths: 1.5m, 2.5m, and 5m.
Prices: (Roland) £8, £10, £15

Car Phone

For the producer on the move; for the record exec, who has to be in touch — right now; for the deeply insecure session musician who is deeply paranoid that he's missing that big album offer whenever he's in transit; the ultimate 'anytime, anywhere' communications tool and one stonker of a pose: an in-car telephone. For as little as a one-time payment of £8.49 you can join the club and be seen in deep, eyebrow raising conversations while cruising the West End city hot spots (keep the interior light on). If you actually want to talk to anyone, however, it'll cost a bit more and you'll have to consult some respectable establishment such as Audio FX.
Price: Approx £100 per week

Cymbal Cleaning Kits

Do a lighting designer a favour and make those cymbals shine. From Zildjian comes this cleaning kit consisting of two types of cleaning polish and a 'special' application cloth. One polish is for light cleaning jobs, perhaps for when you just need to wipe the blood and sweat off from that night's performance. The second cleaner is for when you're atoning for years of abuse and negligence and you need something with a little heft. The same stuff can be used with equal effectiveness on the chromework of your stands — and no doubt the motor could do with a bit of a shine.
Price: £7.95

David 6001 Mini Monitors

A new and upgraded version of the already very popular David 6000's. Each 6001 contains a highly compliant, long excursion 4" bass radiator coupled with a soft dome high frequency radiator producing a claimed frequency response 50Hz to 20kHz with a 'nominal' power handling capacity of 40 watts. Just the thing to play 'Oh Little Star of Bethlehem' through after Christmas brunch. For their size these units produce an extraordinarily big, full sound, and are excellent as near-field monitors in a larger studio or as primary monitors in a home set-up with limited space.
Price: £115 per pair

Demagger

A demagger boring? No, no, not at all, my dear. Just the thing for curing the flux and clearing the head(s) after a thoroughly degrading session. What it lacks in tinsel and glitter it makes up for in sensibleness and Yule Log solidity; believe me they'll be absolutely underwhelmed. The point here is that few people realise how important it is to have and use a good demagger and so they won't shell out the necessary sovs. As a special surprise try plugging it in and leaving it merrily buzzing away under the tree on Christmas morning, on top of their master tapes. Then, you'll surely know how much they love you. TEAC do a good model at a reasonable price.
Price: Around £30

Drumsticks

A simple but ever useful addition to any drummer's collection of hardware. Never has the wooden stick been presented with more class than in the new range of Zildjian black hickory drum sticks. Available in six different weights these sticks bear the famous gold Zildjian emblem, come with wooden or nylon tips and have been designed in close co-operation with a number of Zildjian's top endorsers... or so it says here. Who am I to argue?
Prices: Around £3.90 per pair

Drumsticks Cases

From Pearl comes a strong zip-up vinyl carrying case complete with shoulder strap and capable of comfortably containing a full set of sticks. Its design is not totally dissimilar to that of a British Telecom engineer's bag though it is a little bigger and cosmetically more refined.
Price: £32

DX Soft Case

After a bit of carting around, the cardboard box supplied with the DX7 synth becomes decidedly tatty. This tattiness coupled with its original and enduring cumbersomeness has the effect of making a DX owner look elsewhere for a convenient means of protection and portage for his or her instrument. I have seen people resort to continental quilts (the covers rip), oriental rugs (the fluff sticks between the keys) and leather jackets (the zips scratch the paintwork and you get cold). The truth appears to be that one of the least expensive and simplest of answers is to purchase a Yamaha soft case which is capable of giving sanctuary to a DX7 or DX21, and being soft it folds up small when not in use. It makes a lousy continental quilt, though, so I guess it's quits.
Price: £35

DX Instructional Videos

Slot one of these Beta or VHS cassettes into your VCR and watch Yamaha's Dave Bristow show you how easy it is to get the best from your DX synth. This is the man largely responsible for the creation of the truly stunning range of original DX7 sounds, and here he attempts to let you in on a few ideas and methods. Definitely an eye opener for the less experienced DX owner.
Price: £27

FM RAM Packs

For the DX-1/5/7 synth owners in your life who've managed to bend their heads round the practicalities of FM programming (maybe a graduate of the Gateway FM course — see below), a RAM pack is the perfect gift on which to store all those wild new sounds they've created. You can either stay kosher with the genuine Yamaha items, or go for the slightly less expensive option of DX compatible RAM packs from the likes of Ishi Bashi. Each pack, regardless of make, will hold up to 32 sound presets which can be instantly accessed just as with a factory-recorded ROM pack.
Price: Approx £59 to £89

FM ROM Packs

If the DX owner in your life is a total preset kinda person, why not lay a few new vibes on them with one of the six new ROM packs from Yamaha? Each cartridge contains no less than 64 new head-sending, extraterrestrial sounds guaranteed to excite and motivate beyond endurance. Or at very least they should sound somewhat different to the original set of sounds.
Price: £55

Gaffer Tape

Rolls of gaffer tape exist under a similar set of laws as do biros, in that it is accepted custom to casually walk off with another person's property, and feign absentmindedness should the chaos of the gig/session be insufficient to hide your sport. However, just as with any true game of chance you are required to put up your stake if you are to play the course with any sort of clear conscience; you must purchase at least one initial roll of your own. Also, there will be times when you find yourself on stage with Def Motor Maiden where the present guardian of the roll will be a gigantic, Peruvian ex-arm wrestler with a shaved head and matching eyeballs. In this case it is wise to have your own stock and a constantly keen regard for its whereabouts. An ever useful present.
Price: £4.50 per roll

Guitar Cases

It's undoubtedly hip to have a pre-CBS strat or one of the early Les Pauls, but hip it ain't to have some piece of garbage for a case that offers as much protection as a marsh-mallow — which, incidentally, are also excellent Christmas presents for toothless blues fanatics. Find out what kind of guitar your target consumer is in receipt of and shuffle off down to your local purveyor of the same in search of a good quality hard case. You can't expect a struggling artiste to hold his emaciated head up high if he is forced to board the 51 bus with his axe stashed in an old black bin liner. It's just not on. Your local dealer will give you advice on the type of case to fit your mate's guitar — its important to try and get a good fit to save the guitar crashing about in transit. If you can't afford a new case, you could try simply cleaning your friend's old one: for a start you simply must pull off all those appalling old Stones backstage passes, VIP stickers and T mix with the stars' self-adhesives, and set to with a drop of the old thinners. They'll thank you, stand by me — or on second thoughts, maybe you should visit someone out of town for a week or so.
Prices: Anything from £30

Guitar Stands

No matter how sturdy your flight case, no matter how careful your fleet of roadies, there comes a time when you have to juggle with more than one guitar on stage. There's that tune that starts off with the gently strumming 12-string Ovation, and only gives you a 4/4 bar in the middle to relieve yourself of its acoustic framework and array yourself with the sunburst brilliance of your Les Paul Custom. This is where panic gets the better of you and you lean the Ovation up against your stack or even worse, against the leg of the seemingly immobile bass player. It's a recipe for bassist on toast, Ovation on floor and heart in mouth — why not let a little prudence enter you life in the form of a guitar stand. Stunningly simple isn't it? Quite, well you should try writing a hundred words about it. There are a few makes of stand suitable for the job and your local dealer will point you in the right direction. Be sure that the one you get is deep enough to support both acoustic and electric instruments and that it has rubber protection pieces. Why stand for anything less?
Price: Around £30

Hot Licks Tutors

So anyway, then Terry '12-bar' Twangmerchant turned to me and he said, "Wow Man, how do you manage to play that CMaj7b5#9dim6aug13 whilst leaping from the top of the PA stack, singing falsetto harmonies and flailing your hosepipe like that??!".

"Pardon," I said.

"How do you do that stuff, Man?"

"What stuff, precisely"

"That F#min19dim5#9b6aug15...", but unfortunately his bus arrived before he could finish. It's a shame really, because I was about to enlighten the poor benighted soul as to the source of my understanding: The Hot Licks Tuition Tapes. Labteck International offer this excellent series of tapes made with top players in their respective fields: The likes of Arlen Roth, Steve Morse and Tal Farlow show how to play every kind of guitar style including Rock, Lead, Nashville and Blues, while T Lavitz lets you in on a few synth and rock piano secrets. Get serious or get out of here.
Price: Individual cassettes from £7.95

IM &RW Omni-Sexual Quality Raiment

There are certain things about a person's actions and manner that give away the true nature of his or her real self: That look of knowing coolness in their eyes; the confidence with which they sign their Amex slips and the conviction with which they say "Oh, ya", when they've absolutely no idea what anyone's talking about. But in truth there can be only one way of really knowing whether or not a person knows: see if they'll lend you a large amount of money, or check as to whether or not they are wearing the sacred cloth of The Club. That is to say something from the exclusive IM & RW wardrobe of fine quality raiment. It's a beautiful thing. By the way, it's meant to be a secret, but a 'gillet' is simply a sleeveless jacket.
Prices: T-Shirts £5.00
Canvas Bags £9.95
Gillets £22.00
Jackets £26.00

Lead Tester

It's a disturbing fact that one dodgy lead can cause a whole system to be useless. And with so many of them it's an extraordinarily lengthy process going through unscrewing them all. This then is the superbly argued rationale for the acquisition of a bona fide lead tester into which you can plug a variety of audio leads to check that all the pins at one end are meeting with those at the other end as laid down in wiring diagrams. It's definitely a good investment.
Prices: From around £18

Line-Up Tapes

A deeply technical present, this one, designed to communicate a high regard for the potential fidelity of the magnetic tape recording process. Make sure they're getting back what they're giving out by bestowing upon them a playback alignment tape. Multi track formats can be a bit on the pricy side and won't fit in a stocking without serious structural damage — especially if they're still wearing it. But a ¼" effort needn't cost you too much and should be small enough to store within more or less any kind of underwear — whether inhabited or not.
Price: ¼" — Around £20

Lockable Tremolo Units

The last year or so has seen 'wang without worry' tremelo arms reach new heights of popularity, and hence a healthy level of competition has meant a more attractive range of prices. A bridge with tremelo arm is supplied in addition to a lockable nut whereby, once the guitar is roughly in tune, the strings are clamped down hard before the machine heads. Fine (and very stable) adjustment is then available at the bridge for each string. This clamping action means that you can feel free to give the windy bar a good deal of welly without fear of gong badly out of tune.
Prices: From around £75

Coloured Machine Head Buttons

Looking for something to say, "Yes, I'm different,"? Then you're probably a mindless and appalling pseud with nothing to say about anything, and you ought to be reading one of the other less hip rags. However, if you fancy sticking coloured machine head buttons on your guitar for a laugh, Stentor Music Supplies can supply you with a range of the same from the stables of Schaller in black, red, blue, yellow or white.
Price: Approx £11.60 per set

Machine Heads — Fast Wind

Still in search of the ultimate wind-up? From Stentor Music Supplies can be obtained a set of Schaller machine heads with winders built-in. No more searching around among your strings and plectrums for your winder when a string twangs its final boing mid recital, these chaps have them permanently attached. Not only will such items allow speedy and reliable winding of strings into place, but being Schaller they will also stay steadfastly in tune. Isn't it time you gave a friend of yours a handle on speedy string replacement?
Price: Approx £20

Machine Head Winding Handles

If you ain't in the market for a nice new set of machine heads with built-in winding handles (see above), then for around the same price as a copy of IM & RW you can purchase a single, separate, stand alone, physically isolated fine quality winding handle to speed up those mid-set string replacements. No one's saying they're very likely to last for ever so you don't even have to worry if you bought the same person one last year; it's probably in the bin with Blue Stratos by now, anyway.
Price: £1.50

Mains Safety Checker

A small plug-in device to check that your mains power supply is intact with correct polarity and a good earth connection. This is only of any interest to those who aren't too keen on finding themselves head to toe in circuit with a 13A plug and microphone stand. It's a very disturbing and possibly fatal experience. This is a perfect present for your parents to buy; I mean just think how responsible they'd get to feel. Tell them they should be able to get one at any good electrical store or if they want a hip one, from the Turnkey Shop.
Price: Around £7

Mains Suppressor

The mains circuit is a major route for spurious noise and interference looking for a way on to you recordings. Say 'No!' to mains interference today: then tomorrow back up your threat with the purchase of a mains suppressor unit. It won't guarantee perfect quiet, but it will almost certainly mitigate the problem, and at least you'll feel like you've done something. Those stalwarts Turnkey do a unit capable of passing 750w (it's enough for the average home studio, as long as you don't go plugging the electric fire in).
Price: (Turnkey unit) Approx £16

Microphones Under £50

It should be made clear right from the start that this is not an inclusive list of all the microphones in the world costing less than a half a ton. These are the ones that Santa has tried out personally in his own multitrack grotto, and has found to be up to it. All these mics are good general purpose devices although the PZM model may require a little more consideration in its application. Prices are approximate.

1. AKG D80 — £26
2. Shure Unidyne 517 — £35
3. Shure Unisphere 518 — £42
4. Realistic PZM — £26

MIDI Input selector

For your Christmas party turn you may wish to control a keyboard or drum machine from one synth for the verse, another for the chorus and then leave it chuckling away impressively under the influence of a sequencer whilst you toddle off to throw yourself willingly under the influence of a large mug of port. What a disturbingly gruesome person you are, but even so I must tell you that Father Christmas can offer you just the thing to sort out your input routing problems: the Roland MPU-104 MIDI Input Selector. It has five inputs all individually push button selectable and one output to connect to the instrument you wish to control. It comes in a neat metal case similar in proportions to a Boss Micro Rack unit, and taking its power from a Roland mains adaptor. Simple, effective but not all that cheap, unfortunately. Still, we are talking quality merchandise, Uncle.
Price: £95

MIDI Output Selector

One would be distinctly remiss if one was to omit one's duty to redress the cosmic balance by the inclusion of a MIDI Output selector after that of a MIDI Input Selector; divine symmetry, and all that. And so if the normal channels aren't sufficient to cope with your MIDI output selection requirements the MPU-105 should be right up your stocking. It has one input and no less than five outputs any or all of which can be individually push button selected (five status LED's keep you in touch with the current situation) to determine which of your slave instruments are to respond to your mother controller keyboard. Otherwise it's all too similar to the Input Selector item.
Price: £95

Music Conductor

Not just a metronome, not just a chromatic tone generator for tuning and not just a stop watch, but all these things melded into one fully centralised 'music conductor' — the magnificent DB-11 from Roland. The metronome part can be sped up or slowed down incrementally or alternatively the tempo can be set by tapping on its timing pad. In this way you can ensure that a tune is performed or recorded at its original pace.
Price: £39

Patch Bays

Logic. Clarity. Order. These are the qualities that you can bring into another person's life by leaving them alone, you irritating little oik. An equally effective injection of sanity can also be obtained through the implementation of a simple patch bay within the home studio environment. Just as it is much more stressful to drive a manual as opposed to an automatic car, so it is incredibly wearing to be constantly leaning over the mixing consoles or pile of processing equipment craning to get a glimpse of some minute, upside-down, dimly lit inscription under a jack socket on the rear panel. A patch bay can put an end to all that by bringing out all the vital connections to one easily accessible panel. You can get them with any permutation of jack sockets, phono sockets and hard wire soldering tags on the front and back panels. Pure simplicity.
Prices: From around £45 for a Fostex phono bay and £75 for two rows of 20 jack sockets.

Plectrums

You simply can't have too many plectrums — assuming you play the guitar, of course, and even if you didn't an excess wouldn't prove fatal unless you tried eating them or forcing them sideways into your ears, nose and throat. True, in terms of guitar playing you can't really use more than one at a time, but it is possible to lose dozens of the little pluckers in one fell loss. And what a variety to pick from: there are plastic ones, nylon ones, tortoiseshell ones and baked reindeer toenail ones (particularly seasonal); ones you hold, ones you wear on the ends of your fingers for that they are funger puckin do dats, and the rest. Feel free, then, to purchase a few pieces of flat plastic for your mates; they'll say more about you than Johnny Cash ever will — unless you're Mrs Cash.
Price: Don't be so cheap (15p-ish)

Portable Time Code Generator

What a truly wonderful surprise to find one of these in your stocking. Can you eat it or put it up your nose? Does it make a noise or help you get laid? No and no, but it could be that missing bit of kit for the mobile, studio-using MIDI synthesist who is always looking to take the biscuit (you can eat that) at the serious sessions. This compact device will churn out SMPTE/EBU time code in all frame rate standards until the Second Coming, which you can record on to a spare track on the multitrack as a means of triggering your MIDI system (via a suitable SMPTE/MIDI interface) in sync with a recorded performance. The point about this new Fostex generator is that it is tolerably cheap as compared with the run of the mill.
Price: £115

Practice Drum Pads

To paraphrase the good book: 'Suffer not a drummer to live' — at least in the same flat as you, and especially if s/he is blessed with a large acoustic kit and a pair of heavy sticks. There's something about that glazed, mindless expression that comes over a drummer's boat on commencement of a kit-bashing stint; the loosely hanging jaw, the constant salivation, and the blank expression that meets any attempt at verbal communication. And all you have to do to instigate such an exhibition is to ask someone to give you an 'A'. Now there is a compromise that may go some way to keeping the spirit of goodwill alive over the festive season without the need to rack mount the drum player in your life. Drum makers extraordinaire, Pearl, offer a set of responsive rubber pads to lay loosely (glue permanently?) on top of the drum skins, thus allowing full expression of any primordial rhythmic urges without the headache. The RP40 consists of five (10", 12", 13", 14" and 16") ¼" thick rubber pads with the size and Pearl insignia printed on them in white, plus a carrying case. Invest in a little public relations.
Price: Approx £20

Psychoacoustic Enhancer

Accessit have developed their own psychoacoustic enhancer at a customarily affordable price. It is housed in the standard Accessit black plastic box and is simplicity itself in operation. Although the design is very much their own, the effect is not entirely unlike that of other enhancers from the likes of Aphex and the 'Scintillator', though less sophisticated — and much cheaper. The idea is that it provides extra presence and high frequency clarity by the generation of extra upper even harmonics. It's a damned clever idea and some people love it and some think it's just like eq+. Can you tell the difference?
Price: Approx £86

Recording/Synthesis Courses

Listen up! Someone's trying to learn ya something. Gateway Studio in South London runs a well established series of courses for would-be engineers/home recordists and novice synthesists. On receipt of your payment they will rush you a voucher that you can give as a present to the lucky, soon to be wiser, recipient.

The recording courses use a fully operational recording system based on a Fostex B16 16-track tape recorder, an 18:8:2 mixer, a Rebis auxiliary rack, an Akai sampler, a Bel DDL/sampler and a whole host of mikes and extra processing equipment including various compressor/limiter and expander/gates.

Primary Recording Course: five day course that presupposes no knowledge of sound or recording, and which attempts to give a thorough grounding in all aspects of the same. A maximum of 10 people will attend.
Price: £230

Advanced Recording Course: A five day course open to those who have completed the primary course in which the principles discussed in the first course are looked into in greater depth. This is facilitated by the recording of a piece of music written specially for the course, where the acquisition of different kinds of instrument sound is practised on an individual basis. A maximum of five people will attend.
Price: £320

Primary Synthesiser Course: A five day course looking at basic analogue and digital FM (DX-7's etc) synthesis using a range of instruments supplied by the Roland and Yamaha corporations. A maximum of ten people will attend.
Price: £230

Specialist FM Programming Weekends: When is an algorithm not an algorithm? When it's explained in monosyllables (words of one syllable, that is). This is a weekend in which up to ten people get let into the secrets of Yamaha's bewildering world of digital FM programming.
Price: £180

Rehearsal Studio Time

You may know a band with room for improvement, but do they have room to practice? Why not hire them a few hours of time in a fully equipped salon de rehearsal (as they say in Chelsea)? For a few notes you could get their beady and covetous little hands off your back room and into a rehearsal room with full PA and backline. Just because you think they're rubbish, who knows? They could be rich and famous tomorrow; look on it as an investment. For details of likely looking establishments, look in the special section in the back pages of any current IM & RW. Help a tuneless bunch of tone deafs, today.
Price: See back of IM&RW

Roland/Boss Head and Wrist Bands

When you've been standing 'neath a 100kw canopy of pulsing fresnels and spotlights, had innumerable stage maroons exploded up your jacksie and been racing about the shop trying to remember the next chord, you might be excused a little gentle perspiration. In fact the chances are you'll be sweating like a porky. This is where the Roland head and wrist bands might come in handy. Not only that but they might also suggest a certain sporting edge to one's character. I mean if John Player can associate themselves with sporty health promoting activities, then why shouldn't Roland, or even your good self.
Price: £2.35

Singing Lessons

How many times have you heard that you should sing from 'down here', breath into your stomach and go to great and various lengths to avoid the dreaded nodes. Singing can be a serious business, and if you don't know what you're doing, it can have some frightfully nasty effects on the old vocal chords. Take a leaf out of the IM & RW book (magazine) and consult the oracle on vocal matters, Tona De Brett. For a very reasonable fee she will steer you a nodeless and generally strain-free course through the ups and downs of the singer's existence. If you know someone who's serious about singing, there probably couldn't be a better Christmas present.
Price: £15 per hour

Spectrum Analyser

Perfect for the touring PA person with limited finances who wants to have a visual display of (part of) what's going on in the venue: The Audio Source hand-held, fully portable 10-band spectrum analyser with build-in pink noise generator and carrying case. This is ideal if costs dictate that you work with 10-band graphics because it gives you readings on relevant centre frequencies.
Price: £128.80

Strap Locks

If you have a tendency toward maniacal outbursts of spontaneous choreography on stage (and the rumour is that you do) — just GROW UP; get someone to purchase you a strap lock or two. Available from Stentor Music Supplies in gold or nickel finishes, these chaps affix permanently to your strap to ensure that even if your composure falls apart, your hardware won't. Unless, of course, the strap breaks in the middle.
Price £3.50/£5.00

Stretchy Straps

If you know a guitarist torn between the 'up round your adam's apple' serious jazz improv, position and the HM 'below the knee' (beyond the pale) pose, hesitate not in applying some funds to the acquisition of a stretch strap thing from a company called No. 1. Though I lack experience in their use, I am told that they are eminently comfortable and come in white, black and white stripes, salacious tongue in mouth and piano keyboard designs. You see, straps can be fun.
Price: Approx £1

Ribbon Headphones

Put some ribbons in your ears without attracting any undue attention with the new T20 ribbon headphones from Fostex. Ribbons can exhibit a very smooth, hi-fi response but are generally too delicate for normal studio applications. This is the first time that a pair of ribbon phones have been produced at such a low price and with such high physical durability. In terms of performance they are arguably comparable with more expensive dynamic sets and are a far more interesting topic for conversation. They are a very comfortable, enclosed design providing a good degree of acoustic isolation thus preventing spillage into a sensitive vocal mike, or even feedback if you like it loud.
Price: £37.90

Simple Keyboard Stands

It doesn't matter how far they turn their collar up or how soulfully angst-ridden they look on stage, your loved-one's Christmas gig pose will never be quite complete as long as they're using the kitchen table to support their Vox Continental. Do 'em a favour, purchase for their convenience a simple scissor keyboard stand. Any good electronic keyboard shop will oblige with models from the likes of Roland and Yamaha. There's not a great deal of difference between them, and most should be able to take optional clamp-on supports to allow it to accommodate a second keyboard on an upper tier.
Price From approx £22 (Roland)

Serious Keyboard Stands

It is strange how many sensible people will mortgage the reindeer to be able to afford a mega-synth of some kind, and then be content to perch it, with mindless imprudence, upon the flimsiest of stands. Scissor stands are excellent up to a point, but sticking a T8 or Chroma on one is asking for trouble. If you are in contact with such a being, why not take it upon yourselves to inject a little structural sanity into their life with a serious, heft-worthy keyboard stand. One good reason for not doing this is that one will probably set you back a bob or two; but aren't they worth it? Your local dealer will give you specific details.
Price: Around £95

Soldering Iron

Give them one of these and they'll probably feel vaguely obliged to fix your fairy lights for you, bearing in mind that they're bound not to work. Most people who do the occasional bit of soldering make do with one of those gigantic, hollow, five-bob efforts from the local ironmongers that are about as effective to use as a heated chair leg, and cause more grief to the user than can be imagined without having a red-hot chair leg nestling warmly into the sensitive flesh of your finger tip. Buy them a good quality iron. Preferably a temperature controlled one — although they are a bit expensive. If you can't afford that get some solder and a large tube of Savlon.
Prices: From around £15

Stereo Volume Pedal Plus

Perfect for the stereo keyboardist who demands that little extra control. This sturdy metal pedal from Roland has two inputs and two outputs plus a third 'tuning output'. This is intended for connection to an electronic tuner and can be switched in via a footswitch whilst also muting the main two outputs. In this way you can quickly check your tuning without the audience (or the rest of the studio) hearing your tuneless twanging. What a good idea.
Price: £50

Transport Cleaning Kit No. 1

For the junior roadie in your life this will consist of a leaky bucket of murky brown, ice cold water and a decomposing piece of foam rubber offered under the guise of a sponge. The transport should be in the form of a 1972 35cwt Luton Transit with great chunks of rust and filler hanging loosely from its body, just waiting to fall off at the merest mention of physical contact. It is also most important that the vehicle can offer innumerable small, sharp protrusions that are virtually invisible to the naked eye yet capable of drawing blood from the icy-stiff fingers of the astonished labourer. And how do I know these things? Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, I was that junior roadie.
Price: A roadie's revenge

Transport Cleaning Kit No. 2

If on Boxing Day you should find that a strange dullness seems to dog all your recordings, it will probably be the excess of brandy butter blocking all passages.. Should time and a crateful of Andrews bring nothing above 1kHz, you might look to the TEAC cleaning kit for help in removing bread sauce from the head assembly — the tape recorder's and possibly also your own. It comprises two types of cleaner, one for the heads and metal guides etc, and the other for the rubber of the pinch roller.
Price: Approx £5

Turbo Overdrive Pedal

Tired of plain old distortion pedals? Well, you either stop being a pretentious namby pamby little git, or try out Roland's new Turbo version — the OD-2. Hear that prop kick in just when you need that extra power... er, feeling those screaming resonant peaks as the turbo surges up through the frequency spectrum... um, put your guitar through it and hear the sound go all funny.
Price: £65

Virgin Games

This should not be confused with 'Games With Virgins', which is a different affair altogether. No, indeed this is required reading for any young ingenue about to embark on a career in the music business. Wise-up sucker, this ain't no game we're talking about here. Actually, that's not true. In fact that's precisely what we are talking about. 'Hype' from Virgin games is to the musician or artiste's manager what Monopoly is to the property speculator. On your way round the board you will have to deal with A&R men, publishers, managers and all the other dangers of getting deals without getting done. Just the thing for training the younger members of the family into the business on Boxing Day.

Alternatively, if you own a Sinclair Spectrum computer, you might like to invest a modest amount in the new Virgin computer game, 'The Biz'. This serious piece of software takes you through all the ups and downs of making it to the top in the record biz. You have to form a band, make a record, get airplay and gigs, do promotions, arrange manufacturing and distribution and generally run about all over the place inducing heart disease, just like in the real thing. No one is saying it's easy. Neither is it a hi-tech game, and you'll not find any graphics or flash bits. But it is a laugh.
Price: Hype £19.95
The Biz £6.95

Wireless Instrument Transmitter

This is undoubtedly a substantial amount of money for a Christmas present, but as far as radio instrument transmitters go it's very inexpensive. And do bear in mind that among our readers is to be found a smattering of the rich and famous; the genuine musical successes and the moneyed dilletantes who enjoy playing at rock stardom — not unlike myself in fact. In an effort to cater to this important market might we suggest for the more animated among you, the purchase of a Trantex FM transmitter to be attached to virtually any type of a electric instrument providing a means of wireless performance. Not being what they call a 'diversity system', it might possibly be prone to a dead spot or two, but any choreographer worth their coke should be able to dance you around that problem.
Price: Approx £185