Do words fail you, Er... hang on I'll start again.

Some people are born adepts of the put down. Ever ready with a witty retort, they crush opposition, ridicule loudmouths in the audience and reduce smartarses to encrimsoned silence. Be nice, wouldn't it.

We at Making Music can't turn you into the Oscar Wilde of the support slot, but we can demonstrate some of wit and wisdom of the experts. Maybe it will rub off.

For example there was the famous drummer struggling to play rock 'n' roll with a hired orchestra. He despairs of the stuffed shirtfronts and hurls his headphones on the floor. "Is there anything I can do about the mix?" offers the worried engineer. "Yeah," is the strangled reply, "I'd like the strings sooner in the cans." Sooner... wish I'd thought of that.

Not that barbed ripostes are restricted to the rock fraternity.

"Have you ever conducted any Stockhausen," asked the unsuspecting interviewer of Sir Thomas Beecham. "No," mused the venerable, "but I trod in some once."

From on stage we address the loudmouth: "Here's a tip, pal. Don't fall asleep with your gob open. When you wake up, squatters will have moved in." The drunk: "Yeah, I remember my first beer". The incoherent drunk: "D'you think you could refrain from talking under water. And the berk: "I was going to do my impersonation of a prat, but this bloke at the front beat me to it."

How's that for starters. Best place to pick up ammunition is at other bands gigs, watching how they cope. Get your pens out and there could be free Making Music subscriptions for the best trio of put downs sent to us at the Making Music offices. You know where we are.