Hello Mums,

Well, it's that time of year again, writes One Two Housekeeping's shopping expert Penny Pinching. Christmas Shopping is always such a pain in the b.t.m. but you know, it's all worth it on the great day just to see the way the little bastard's eyes light up with sheer greed.

And of course, when you've got a budding musician in the family everything gets just that little bit more difficult, doesn't it? If little Jimmy wants a Fairlight in his stocking it's not much good getting him a Woolworth's chord organ.

So to help you in your festive chore, we've asked a number of fairly silly musicians (and the occasional sensible one) for their advice on what to buy that will set your fire side a-buzzing with Yuletide harmony. But remember to lay in a good supply of batteries, otherwise there could be tears before bedtime, and we don't want that, do we Mums?

We asked a representative sample of musicians whose telephone numbers we could find, just two simple questions.

1: What did you see during the year that impressed you the most?
2: What would you have for Christmas, musically speaking, if money were no object?

In the interests of preserving Ms Ciccione's natural modesty and shyness we have left out all those who answered "Madonna" to question two.

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Hugh Burns, session guitarist and sometimes Wham sideman:

"The one that I liked so much that I actually bought it was the Gibson Chet Atkins electric classical guitar, because that really records beautifully. I know because I have been using it in the studio.

"But what I'd like if I could have anything is a Yamaha Rev 7: It's a piece of processing equipment, very versatile, very easy to use, and again we have been using that in the studio. I originally tried it in a store and wasn't very impressed, but when I used it in the studio it came into its own."


Dave Stewart, producer and keyboard player of "and Barbara Gaskin" fame:

"I've got a choice of three instruments of the year. It was hard to come up with a favourite.

"There's the Auditorium Organ in Atlantic City. USA. The world's largest and loudest musical instrument. It exceeds anything that might come into Argent's, I suspect. It's got 12 manuals and pipes ranging from 3/16" to 54'. It's got the loudest stop in the world, the Ophicleide stop, operated by a pressure of 100ft of water, which produces a pure trumpet note six times the volume of the loudest locomotive whistle. No. I've never heard it.

Then there's the contrabass bassoon that I saw in Horniman's museum. It's one of those curled pipework things that looks as if it's going to jump out of the glass case and attack you.

And then there's Harry Partch's Mazdaphone, which is like a kind of vibraphone made out of light bulbs.

"But for Christmas I want a Sony Digital Multitrack. I think they're about £150,000. I do digital work with the Sony F1, but that would be a step up."


Michael Nyman, classical themist type:

"A nine foot Kawai grand because it has a big, black and wonderfully rich, fruity sound." (One was hired for him on a gig, that's how he got to tinkle it).

"A Synclavier or an Emulator II, so I can prove to myself that my dislike of synthesisers is unfounded."

Billy Jenkins, celebrated chronicler of Greenwich life, guitarist, One Two columnist and much, much more, had no hesitation in recommending as his instrument of the year:

"The Bond guitar. It was designed to raise the level of music making by making a fretboard that could only be played going up. But unfortunately they realised that there's no short cut to the top and were obliged to go into liquidation.

"For Christmas, I want three Sinclair C5's, labelled E, L and P. That's one for my guitar and 12-watts-of-raw-power amplifier, one for my hashish and one for my pints of sherry. Five million Sun readers should catch the reference.

"I would like to briefly view this convoy from the air in an Optica light aircraft piloted by a member of the Hampshire Police," he insisted.


Robert Wyatt... a conversationalist...

"A Kalashnikev" (that was his favourite instrument of '85. It's a Russian automatic rifle, by the way.)

"A rocket launcher" (that was what he wanted for Christmas. Christmas is a time of peace and goodwill to all men, by the way.)


Paul Day, the renowned guitar collector:

"It's been a boring year, very disappointing. The only thing that got me excited was the origination of my own guitar. It's coming out next year. It sounds egotistical I know, but that's the only thing I can say.

"For Christmas I want a digital drum machine that doesn't need to be programmed, that's pre-programmed with modern usable rhythms and punchy accurate digital sounds. That is something I would actually buy if it came out."

Mark Brzezicki, drummist and general skin thwacker for Big Country.

"This year I managed to find a secondhand, mint condition, Ludwig Black Beauty snare drum. I've already got one, but this is in better condition. I think it's about five years old. Luddy really hit on a winner with that, but I think they've stopped making them now. It just seems to have a warmer sound than a lot of other snares, but still with the same amount of crack.

"A Yamaha digital reverb, one of these Rev 7s, to go with the home recording set up I share with my brother — Teac 8 track reel to reel, Tascam desk and an Oberheim drum machine. I would have asked for a motorbike but then I would have had to thought of a model number..."

The Art of Noise, recording stars, caught in the studio and demonstrating the wit and charm for which they are renowned.

Anne Dudley: "What's most impressed me this year has been the midi mode on the Ukelele and if anyone can provide me with one that's what I want."

Gary Langham: "The new Jew's Harp in tungsten-carbide steel. Its technical quality is streets ahead of anything that's been done before. And I want a Bontempi organ, they're so bad."

J.J. Jeczalik: The Simmons SDS3. It's wonderful... the sounds! And an air jack to hold up the keyboards. It uses a big bag of air instead of a frame."


Rollo McGinty, a Woodentop

Couldn't think of a favourite instrument, but when pressed on what was the most mysterious, fascinating and fabulous instrumental influence across the year declared it to be "the hand of the guitar repairer." Good year, was it?

For Christmas... "vibraphone."


Nik Kershaw: guitarist and pop star:

"I'd say the QX1. I think it's very user-friendly. And I haven't found one thing that it can't do. You can get plenty of expression out of it using a DX7, and it can save you a lot of studio time.

"For Christmas I'd like the PPG Wave Term. I love the sound of PPGs, they have something that's totally their own, which I think is very special. The sampling and sequencer are very good. With a Fairlight, the sound you put in is what you get. With a Wave Term you can change the sound so much and mix it with its own internal sounds. The reason I haven't got one is that they don't travel too well, and of course the trouble with all sampling machines is that the digital technology is coming down so much in price that I think people are holding back from buying it."


Andy Partridge, founder-member of the brilliant XTC, guitarist extraordinaire, and lately producer of the Woodentops and China Crisis among others:

"The only new instrument, apart from the Mellotron which is the only keyboard instrument left with any character, elastic band powered and (adopting Arthur Negus voice) a fine instrument such as Giacometti might liked to have used, the only new instrument I've been impressed with is the Casio VL-tone.

"It's like the musician's version of worry beads. You play it with two little buttons, and the more worried you are the faster you play. They're good on aeroplanes. Did you hear about the two sharks in the Irish Sea?

"Dave Gregory gave me a set of old Beatles Monthly magazines. Around 1967 you can see Paul McCartney using this instrument called a Tubon. I think it's on 'Baby You're A Rich Man'. It looks as if you are playing a length of scaffolding pipe with a keyboard on one end. It makes a funny kind of whining screeching sound. That's what I want for Christmas. Do you know, a lot of the pictures have got drawn-on moustaches. They had a big backlog of pictures from the early 60s they they had to keep using."


Dave Cohen Singer/comedian currently to be seen at The Comedy Store, London.

"I think if people of all nations, regardless of their cultural differences, could get together and be aware of their differences and agree to live together, this is what I would really like and would be the best Christmas present possible. Alternatively, a BMX bike would be nice."