Bloody Journalists — you'd thought that they would have learned their lesson by now, but obviously not. I just happened to be glancing through the pages of this magazine whilst sitting in the small room. I've always found these type of magazines very conducive to these sort of situations. Anyway, I happened to read the "Backlines" page in the May issue of "One-two-testicles" which was written by an old colleague of mine from International Musician, Adrian Deevoy. To my knowledge I wouldn't have considered Adrian to be an enemy of mine, in fact generally filed under friend, but believing what I was reading was something else. I have never threatened him or plagued him with curses that his grandmother may be turned into a plague of urine of a thousand camels, so what was all this about? — why the insults? I believe they term this "journalistic license", which too often means Freedom to write Bullshit at everyone else's expense, including the readers.

Despite the fact that Adrian decided to slag off a large amount of respected musicians, he did raise some issues that motivated me into writing this article and putting the record straight.

Equipment

Since when did equipment become a dirty word? This is "One Two Testing" not Penthouse magazine where Adrian is now resident. Any musician worth his salt naturally develops a relationship with equipment/instruments, but that doesn't mean you cease to exist as a human being unless you are talking about music and instruments, although I agree some are totally mental/boring because they can't see further than the latest gear. In fact they completely miss the point which is Music, not whether you can Midi your eyebrows and flange your codpiece to your line driver, etc... As for bloody Morrissey's — (that master of melody from the Smiths) — comment that "Synthesizer players should be hung by the heels and shot", come round here lad and I'll show you where to put that brown rice. Were do you get off, matbrown rice. A synthesizer is an instrument that does not have a specific sound. You can make it sound wonderful, or sound like a pile of shit. There are good synth players and bad ones, just like there are good vocalists and bad ones.

This Week's Hairstyle

I find it totally incredible that people within the music industry can make musical judgements based on how much hair you've got on your head, and how old you are... I didn't know that baldness was illegal in this country. They should make them wear black armbands as well.

I work with a bass player named Nigel Ross-Scott who, to say that he has a wide centre parting would not be a lie. He has a very distinctive hairstyle which is very fleshy by nature. The reason I work with him is not out of sympathy, but because he is a sodding good bass player. I believe the expression is "He's the bollocks!"

I am just 31 — (where was your birthday card?) — and if you think I am going to allow my age, or anyone else to dictate whether I can survive as a successful professional musician, you are out of your tiny minds.

"Computer Bastards"

I belive that was the term. This loving description has been used to define those, such as myself, who through no fault of their own find that being a musician in the 80s means you cannot escape from technology. Would you call a housewife a "computer bastard" because she uses a washing machine incorporating a microprocessor?

From a musician's point of view, ever since synthesisers became programmable, there has been an ever-increasing relationship between musician and computer, but what's so wrong about this? Well first it is essential to understand what is a computer. It is simply a tool — like a hammer. There are those who can be very creative with a hammer or spade, just as there are others who can be incredibly destructive with these tools. But on their own, a computer or hammer, can do nothing.

Absolute — Re-Flex

I would now like to refer to a paragraph in Mr. Deevoy's aforementioned article in which he decided to slag off the band I play in — Re-Flex — and supported his assertions with a variety of lies and fantasies. It seems that Adrian couldn't even remember the name of the band's keyboard player — (me!) — which is rather strange since over the past four years he has been in regular contact with me as a fellow contributor to International Musician.

Now if he doesn't like Re-Flex music that's fine by me, that's his loss not mine. He states that prior to forming Re-Flex, I called myself "Absolute Elsewhere". What bullshit! To straighten the record, years ago, when I was 18, I made an album which was issued under the collective title of "Absolute Elsewhere". On reflection, I can't stand listening to that first album, yet I have met thousands of people around the world who still love it. Suggesting that I changed my name to that of the record is like accusing Adrian of changing his to "International Musician" or "Penthouse", or "Bosoms" — what a pratt!

He next went on to assert that Re-Flex's sole pastime is discussing equipment and flying to Germany to see synth manufacturers. The only times I have ever been in Germany were to perform concerts, do band promotion, and visit the Frankfurt Trade Fair, largely on behalf of International Musician.

When the Revolution Comes — Integrity

The revolution is already here, except that some people are taking quite a while to wake up to it. There is no battle in music. There is just music. There are no such things as "New Musos", there are just musicians. Some people are not afraid to speak the truth. Others find it necessary to fabricate it.

Paul 'Hair' Fishman still persists in playing with the megga-dodgy Re-Flex, and is not at all upset at Mr. Deevoy's suggestion that he is now a computer bastard.