You want blood, horror and death? It's all here this month. First bit of carnage occurred at the photo session for our very excellent Fall cover. Mark E. and the missus were posing prettily when all of a sudden a great lump of timber fell off the ceiling and ricocheted off Brix's braincase. As you'd imagine, she wasn't exactly over-chuffed and threw an almighty wobbler. However, the husbandly tones of Mark saying charitably 'Shut up' certainly helped clear up the situation and she heroically completed the shoot without further complaint. Next month: we go one step further and shoot the cover with a real gun. Any nominations?

Meanwhile, back on the planet Zargon, it's nice to see Doctor & The Medics (see interview in our wonderful February Sigue Sigue Banana issue) on Top Of The Poop the other week. But an interesting rumour has reached us: is it true that under that excessive head of hair, the Doctor is actually completely bald?

Ian Botham has denied the allegations hurled at him by some less-than-savoury members of the tabloid press. It is not now true and has never been true, he stated firmly, that he is a Marillion fan...

Gear gossip part one: It seems that guitar manufacturers are catching on to the designer trademark ethic; more and more are coming out abroad with the name and model in huge letters on the body (cf. Yamaha's Motion series). Surprising it's taken so long, actually. Most keyboard players are visible from offstage merely as a big pile of names, thanks to the huge white letters on the back of their synths, and drummers' bass drums are also good hoardings. Next, jackplugs with built-in sandwich boards?

Has anyone noticed the way vile and extremely old ex-rock stars are lurching on to the New Age Music bandwagon? Rick Wakeman, Claire Hamill, and both bits of Morrissey Mullen are among the recent ones to have made albums of extremely expensive gear played very slowly. We here say the only solution is euthanasia by exploding computer mixing desks...

after Joe Strummer lost his licence and his pseudonym simultaneously by steaming through Kensington while steaming - the court appearance revealed his real name as John Mellor - we can reveal that Mick Jones is really called Crunge Mindbender...

dilemma of the month for any groovy hip beatperson has to be whether or not to go to Glastonbury. Does the excellent line-up (too many good ones to mention, despite the occasional Level 42 or Simply Red) mean you dare attend an occasion which has ads by Tantra Designs' and occurs at summer solstice on the site of several leylines? Decisions, decisions. Have to consult the I Ching on this one...

Worst band of the year so far in our ridiculously biased opinion has to be Suzanne Vega's herd of heavy-handed West Coast session yobs who trampled all over her delicately textural, fragilely dynamic etc etc songs at her recent London gig. As soon as the cute minstrelle opened her gob, the drums went biff-bang-kaboom, the bass went thoooom, the keyboards went baboing and the guitar went widdly-widdly-wawiddly, all in a totally AOR style. We went 'yag' and left...

Talking of 'yag", as we were, watch out for the OTT house band. Yes, the magazine that knows what music's really about (we reckon it's about collecting biscuit tins - what do you think?) is involved in a group-type situation. Both the fab Editor, the equally happenin' Ass Ed and the odd contributor or two are regularly getting up on stage in a selection of shitty venues to cause aural havoc with the dead alternative God's Come. This band, which also features members of Penthouse and International Mortician, may be appearing at a venue near you. Be there. Or be at home, under the bed, with two pairs of socks in each ear...

our zappy Scientists interview took place without the presence of singist Kim Salmon due to him having an important engagement. Well, actually, he was babysitting. Woh. Rock and Roll! Crazy badass muthafuckers! Mothercare!

Henry "King Thumb" Thomas he of Rockschool infamy, has his cover blown at last. One ad spotted in the classifieds recently read 'G&L 2000 bass for sale - the one Henry Thomas really uses.' Thumbs crossed his sponsors Westone, in whose ads his awesome thumb currently appears, don't notice...

is it true that Peter Gabriel's latest album 'So' was due to be a double album, but they decided the idea was a bit so-so?

that's more than enough for this month. Watch out for more next time round from the column that drops a cold Wendyburger into the spandex trousers of rock...