No 1: PAUL COLBERT. The excuse. Well, these guitars were made in the southern hemisphere which has a different magnetic flux on account of the poles, so your windings are, like, antagonised by the field effects in, where do you live, Chelmsford, right, so the output is exactly 90 degrees out of phase with the predominant ley lines contingent with the Arctic. That's why it doesn't make any noise.

No 2: TONY BACON. No don't shout look I had it with me and I was going past the canal you know just over that little bridge bit and there was this well it was a duck I suppose and it was pretty obviously having difficulties so I threw it in the canal to help it out and course it sunk pretty quickly but I think the duck was OK don't shout.

Bosun: JON LEWIN. Up all night — wisdom teeth — fell in sink, dog got it, flat tyre, train was late, bus broke down, bad traffic, floods and fog, stuck in lift, claustrophobic attack, casualty ward queue three hours, and then I left it at home. Sorry.