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Fair Games

Article from One Two Testing, August 1985

puzzle page entertainment

Hey funsters! Aren't Music Fairs just dandy. Have you been to one lately? Even if you haven't you can still have fun with the One Two Testing puzzle page. Just try to spot those great characters we all know and love. You'll know 'em when ya see 'em...

You are at the British Music Fair (or any other gathering of gear and musicians, for that matter) and have decided to rest with a refreshing glass of something overpriced. Tick off the sights you have seen so far today.

- Four Americans on the wrong platform, wearing Sonly Walkmen; (battery operated A-Zs of London with stereo loudmouths, each saying 'but it s'only two bucks for a taxi').

- A tube reclining at Hammersmith with its doors open, going nowhere, when it should have been at Olympia three minutes ago.

- Someone from Motorhead.

- Flares.

- Someone who thinks he's Vyvyan and wears a denim jacket with 'Very Metal' Biro-ed on the back.

- A silver carrier bag full of leaflets, dumped in the gutter.

- A dog widdling against above.

- Someone else from Motorhead (or is it the one who left?).

- One of those bastards with a leggy blonde girlfriend wearing two tissues and not much else, who everyone thinks might be slightly famous but invariably isn't.

- A kid who's been on that Tama kit in the corner of the stands for the last ten minutes everytime you've gone by trying to have a bash on it yourself.

- People playing guitars through headphones with heads bent so inexplicably low they could nut their own ankles.

- A queue at the bar.

- A security man displaying what looks like an old shoe with an aerial on it, strapped to his belt. (Bonus point if he's talking into it.)

- The One Two Testing stand. (Bonus point if 'stand' is what the occupants can still do at this time in the afternoon.)

- A piece of software which claims to do for £19.99 what the Fairlight can do for £26,000.

- A man in a suit attempting to explain MIDI.

- A big crowd with its nose pressed against the glass window of a soundproof booth which, when you eventually force your way through it, turns out to have been watching a sound man setting up the amps for the next demo, having mistakenly believed him to have been a 'star'.

- 'A Star'

- A star who is a lot shorter/balder/fatter than you thought.

- A soundman who knows a lot more about the stuff the star's just been demonstrating than the star does himself, and who, you shrewdly suspect, can play substantially better as well.

- People sitting on upturned ashtrays because there are no chairs left.

- The bloke who always brings his dog with him.

Which of these 'identical' prices is the odd one out?

- £349.95 exc VAT
- £402.44
- £459.00 inc case
- 2,000 Yen
- A kiss on the bottom from the bank manager.

Below are two identical photographs of guitars. Study them carefully and answer these questions.

1) Who was the photographer.

2) Which chemist did he take the film to.

3) Did he really take two pictures of the same thing, or have the chemists printed one negative twice, and should he have an argument with the man behind the counter.

A man in a near suit stands holding a microphone at chest height while his head is turned 80 degrees to the right. His eyes are inclined downwards, loosely focused on the shoes of the audience in the first row. He has been seemingly frozen in this position for the last three minutes, and is slowly turning red.


Waiting for the Spectrum plus to play its way through 'Rock Arrangement "All You Need Is Love"', thus proving the ability of the new SongScrounger Software to sound like two home organists separated by trees.

Waiting for the Spectrum plus to find the file for the SongScrounger Software which is marked not-actually-the-finished-production-version-which-we-will-see-in-the-shops-by-September-but-gives-you-a-good-idea-of-the-incredible-facilities-which-computer-music-creation-can-offer.

Asking the soundman for more blue in the headphones.

A man in a large sweatshirt, apparently knitted by a synthesiser company, has just single-handedly operated 19 devices to play a track which may, or may not, be something from a remaindered Rick Wakeman album. He approaches the front of the stage to tell you,


MIDI is a sort of universal connection system for ALL synthesisers, and it's the wildest coincidence that all the keyboards he's been playing just happen to be made by the same manufacturer.

The byte codes suitable to toggle the least significant integers on the parallel buss were covered in a special 34 page supplement by another magazine last month which should get around to mentioning music sometime in '87.

A joke about giraffes and Ian Botham.

A man with creosote breath and eyes like bootlaces (he got to bed at 5.30am) is in the middle of a guitar demonstration. He puts a gorgeous, wide-bodied, soft-tobacco, semi-electric back in its rack and withdraws a single-humbucker, glitter-burst 'Ball Terrier Axe Machine'.


Play exactly the same country-and-western lick he's been twanging for the last 20 minutes (on the basses as well), but without echo.

Hold it up to the spotlights to catch the gleaming gold parts then tell you it's definitely 'one for the kids', (without revealing the £399 price tag).

Be Adrian Legg, in which case shut up, listen very hard and consider yourself extremely lucky.

We took a conversation between a music shop salesman and a customer and made a few changes. See if you can spot the differences.

Customer: I'd like to buy a new synth. How much would you give me part exchange for my old mono one?"

Salesman: "How would you be paying, sir?"

"Er... how about this???"

"Ah... American Express... sorry sonny, now, if you was talking cash..."

Customer: "I'd like to buy a new synth. How much would you give me part exchange for my old mono one?"

Salesman: "How would you be paying, sir?"

"Well, if you don't give me at least a donkey for it, I'll arrange for 'alf a dozen of my punk friends to come round and 'run about excitedly' in your shop for a bit."

"Ah... A-Mohican Express... that will do nicely sir. How about a mule and two beavers..."

Try this simple trick on your friends. Take the cardboard tube from a toilet roll and smear one end with ink. Tell your friend to hold it up to his eye and then, when he takes it away, shout: "In Howard's End by E. M. Forster, what is the special significance of Helen's search for the rainbow bridge when viewed in allegorical terms within the syntax of inner city deprivation." Then eat his pigeon.

Below are four jack-to-jack leads that Ronald the Roadie has got hopelessly muddled. Poor Ronald, and poor support band, whose nice, straight leads Ronald has nicked so the main act can go on stage. If the support band want to appear at all, which leads should be plugged into the right channels on the mixer, and how many men will it take to lift Ronald off the sound desk where he has collapsed raving drunk.

Rearrange these tricky anagrams to recreate the names of four well known makes of effects pedals.

DoD (damn)

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Publisher: One Two Testing - IPC Magazines Ltd, Northern & Shell Ltd.

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One Two Testing - Aug 1985

Donated by: Colin Potter




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