You know that feeling. Queueing up outside that slightly decrepit old theatre, holding mum and dad's hand, a bag of jelly babies and you can stay up late tonight cos it's the Christmas pantomime. Walk in through the big revolving glass and mahogany doors, you get a pink ticket each, it looks like it's made out of toilet paper, clamber along the slightly musty-smelly seats, argue with your sister cos she's got the chocolate flavour ice cream tub and yours is only vanilla. "If you don't behave we'll never bring you to one of these again." "Hey mum, look at the funny guy with the violin, I think he's got a glass eye." "Keep your voice down dear, it's not polite, have you noticed he's got an artificial hand as well?"

So what bunch of ascendant stars, family favourites and past-it old troupers have we got lined up tonight, kiddies? Who's sneaked out from the day-shift for our delectation?

Well, there's Cliff Richard for a start; he's climbed out of the window of RG Jones Studios, put on a cute green outfit with a harness underneath, and he's floating around suspended by a bit of wire cos he thinks he's Peter Pan. He left behind Simon May who was recording music for Eastenders and will probably grow old with the rest of us. Morrissey is shuffling around the Roundhouse muttering 'humbug, humbug' and Nick Heyward is trying unsuccessfully to pass himself off as Little Bob Cratchit.

"Behind you, behind you!" Oh no, I can't bear to watch, what an ugly pair of villains, it's The Reverb Brothers. They're fresh from a short run at Amazon working for a company known as EMI Music. Voluminous skirts, lacey bloomers, plastic warts, the whole bit...

Ah. Here's my favourite, white spangly dress, dances across the stage with a cute cuddly kitten, it's Liz of the Cocteau Twins as the good fairy, with Robin and Simon as Dick Whittington and Buttons. They're supposed to have been mixing at Eel Pie, but everybody knows they've just come down a beanstalk from a place where everybody's friendly, the streets are always tidy and people wear funny clothes. Edinburgh.

Blow me if it ain't Elaine Page and the entire staff at Good Earth posing as Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. Unfortunately the little people's union have been causing lots of problems, so they've had to use the March Violets hobbling around on their knees. There are pickets outside the theatre, and all future performances will be billed as Snow Blacked. The whole epic will be recorded and come out on record as a Christmas album.

"Please, can I have some more?" What a cute kid, slightly dishevelled, mop of black hair, it's everybody's favourite urchin, Pete Wylie, playing at Trident, along with Nancy, that's Ros. Will he survive the villainous and black-clad figure of Hugh Cornwell, otherwise known as Bill Sykes? He's still playing Fuhrer to Xmal Deutschland. Don't worry, though, because homely, cuddly Barry Blue is there at Trident too, so nothing could happen that could possibly be worse than a remix of 'Dancing on a Saturday Night'

Oh please no, who's this? Black tutu, silver wand... it's the bad fairy. Or is it Freddy Mercury? I thought they were still in Trident mixing their live album, but someone's let the lot of them out. Those other guys seem to be spending a lot of time dressed as the ugly sisters as well — they've obviously decided to expand their market base. There are more seasoned entertainers treading the boards at Maison Rouge. Let's face it they're all in — The Hollies, Paul Nicholas again, Barbara Dickson. What do you expect, it's Christmas. But around here Christmas starts in October. Never mind, with luck we'll all be able to take our summer holidays next week.

Anyway, maybe we're all getting a bit old for all this innocent fun. It's time to put on the Christmas stockings, big black leather belt, pick up my whip and disappear into the misty sunset. Remember to leave me a mince pie and a glass of the hard stuff...