How to get your tape accepted by the Artists and Repertoire dept of your choice. Jon Lewin spots the star tactics.

Firstly, don't get depressed. Dealing with A&R persons is a thankless task, but it is only one of the hurdles you have to clear in your race to the top. Wait till you meet the lawyers.

In the meantime, One Two offers you the benefit of its infinite wisdom as to the best methods of approaching and dealing with them.

Before you even start, you will need a number of good songs. These are the periods of noise with tunes, hook lines, and catchy instrumental bits that remind people you are making music. This applies whether you are ABBA or the Birthday Party. Two or three of these songs have to be clearly recorded and dubbed on to cassette; "clearly recorded" can mean anything from Portastudio to 48-track, though it's best not to blow too much cash on too polished a studio recording — if the company think you need cleaning up, they will pay.

The cassette should be of reasonable quality (ordinary TDK D series will suffice) and clearly marked with the name of the group and a contact telephone number. If the song titles will fit legibly, include them, otherwise simply write them on the cassette liner, with a contact address as well as number.

There are arguments to be made in favour of wrapping your tape in stunning packaging, but these all fall down if the music's useless. They fall down as well if the music is wonderful, as it's then obviously capable of impressing on its own. But if you feel your artwork enhances the music, go ahead.

Prepare a brief biography of the band, including line-up, instrumentation, and any other relevant information. Keep it short — one side of magazine-sized paper is usually sufficient, and it photocopies properly. Don't worry about describing the music, unless you have a particularly witty or apposite line.

Compile a selection of your reviews/interviews/press clippings, along with a photograph of the musicians involved. If you can muster three or four sides without enlarging anything too dramatically, good for you. If not, keep it concise, and readable.

When you have photocopied a reasonable number of these press packages (sounds impressive?), telephone a few of the names on our list. Some are easy to talk to, others may not even exist judging by the number of times they come to the phone. Ask for an appointment to come in and play them a tape. Here, your telephone voice and selling ability are both under test: you must be able to describe your group and music in as attractive a way as possible. Perhaps you've gigged with a band on their label? Perhaps someone's recommended them?

List any radio plays you might have had, even if it's your own pirate station; mention all the other appointments you have with EMI, CBS, RCA and so on (this ploy works less well with the independents). If the company is in the habit of allowing you in to see its talent scout (the lowliest A&R post), they are usually willing to be accommodating. Expect to make your dates at least a month in advance.

Remember when dealing with smaller labels that the person you talk to isn't just an A&R director, but is probably also a secretary, a marketing manager, and chairman of the board. When these individuals say they're busy, they generally mean it, so don't push them too hard, or they will reject you out of hand.

If you can't get in to see someone in the record company of your choice, you should send tape, biog, and a list of live dates by post. Make sure you get the address right. Ring again about a week after you post the tape — have they heard it yet? Keep ringing every two or three days until you get a reply. If the reply is in the negative, ask for your tape back (with the independent labels, sending an SAE is always an added inducement). Always phone before a London gig, just to remind them where you're playing.

If you do get an appointment, don't imagine you're about to get signed. Dress appropriately — don't wear six inches of foundation unless you're in a glam band. Take several photocopies of your press kit, two tapes, plus any recordings you have of other good songs (these can be as rough as you like). Be confident. Never apologise for anything (unless you knock your coffee over — even then, that sort of gesture can look really wild and impressive). This is your music, your blood, sweat, and toil, and no poncy, overpaid A&R idiot is going to tell you how bad you are... get the idea? Not arrogant, but secure in the knowledge that your music doesn't need apologising for.

If your tape is liked, don't expect anyone to offer you a contract there and then. The cassette will do the rounds of the A&R department to start with, you'll be asked to perform live (if you're not already doing so, this may mean a showcase gig in a rehearsal studio), perhaps even record some demos in the company's studio. This is the first stage towards infinite fame, and a good time to remember that you haven't copyrighted your songs (cassette in a sealed envelope in your bank?).

WRAPPING your precious jewel of a cassette in seven layers of KitKat foil doesn't necessarily make your overall package any more enigmatic — it just takes the recipient seven times longer to get to the music. It's a shame to say that the majority of Playback packages that have landed on my head this past year or so haven't come up with anything startling or innovative to replace the standard brown-jiffy-bag-and-rambling- letter.

Thanks to the Night Dolls of East London, though, for the horribly detailed voodoo dolly inside a plastic bottle — it caused me momentarily to hand in my lunch. Equal thanks to Keep Calm And Dig of South London for the toilet paper that arrived a little too late.

Usually an informative and clearly designed band-file-with-photos and/or original hand-drawn or screen-printed cassette sleeve or inlay has indicated a surfeit of style, individuality and care, things that should make an A&R person pay just a touch more attention.

Treating your music as though it was the complete, finished product will show anyone that you are serious and professional. This is what they will want to know and absorb before chancing five minutes with your Cormorant-mating-call beatbox rhythms. Let's just say that an elephantine Jiffy bag that you can't open without a wrench and three pages of your worst handwriting won't score points. It'll just mean an early bath. Up and at 'em!