REMEMBER LAST MONTH we asked you to look for written messages scratched in the run-off groove area of your records? They end up there sometimes when the cutting engineer gets asked by the artist to pass on a sparkling witticism or deep philosophical point to the eventual purchaser. We asked for some good ones. You found them.

Paul Asplin of Harrow came upon the IMPOTENCE OF BEING ERNEST on the Smiths' 'William It Was Really Nothing' 12in, while more optimistically AN HONEST 12 INCHES assists Whitesnake's "Slide It In" LP (notes David Cain of Ayr). However, Wah on their Holiday/Romance 12in of 'Come Back' take the precaution of SOMETHING FOR THE WEEKEND SIR? (says Tim Hands of London NW2).

Tim also mentions the message FOR JL (NOTHING IS REAL) on the Passion Puppets 'Beyond The Pale' mini-LP. "I thought that JL might be Janice Long, who was a somewhat avid supporter of the now defunct outfit," Tim reckons. John Lennon, we say (as in 'Strawberry Fields Forever'). "Pretty strange," is Stephen Vale of London SE9's evaluation of his own discovery of LINING UP IDOLS and NAILING DOWN COFFINS on either side of Conflict's "It's Time To See Who's Who" LP. Who? Pretty strange too is Owen Paul's SELL OUT — ME? NEVER! on his 'My Favourite Waste Of Time' single, spotted by A. Mansbridge of Basingstoke.

Well known witty people New Order suggest TRY LISTENING TO THE 12IN on their 'Temptation' 7in single. WHAT DO YOU THINK? they ask when you actually get to the 12in. Enough for Simon Greenwood of Doncaster to buy both, evidently. "The Iron Maiden album 'Powerslave' has the message THERE'S ONLY ONE UM on the A-side," James Bedworth of Rugeley, Staffs tells us, "followed by AND THAT'S FUCK UM on the flip, with the expletive deleted by tasteful squiggles," Thank goodness for that.

Lastly, a batch of laughs and smirks. DEAR MUM, CUTTING ANOTHER PYTHON RECORD, I'LL BE HOME LATE TONIGHT, LOVE PORKY on Monty Python's "Instant Record Collection" LP (from Michael Sutton of Salisbury). "A nice salient one on Heaven 17's 'I'm Your Money'," reports Simon Greenwood of Doncaster. "It says BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME JH JNR, the JH being John Hinkley, the chap who shot Reagan." Quite. On to Half Man Half Biscuit's 'Trumpton Riots' EP which has NIGELS'S DREAM, TRANMERE 6 LIVERPOOL 0 on one side and, on the other, NIEL-ISM. "As opposed to nihilism," says squinter P. Thomas-Fisher of Darwen, Lancs, "which as we all know is the view of a Tsarist-Russian extremist revolutionary." Of course, P, of course.

Almost last is the profound LIFE IS LIKE A PUBIC HAIR ON A TOILET SEAT, SOONER OR LATER YOU GET PISSED OFF on Discharge's 'Warning' 12in (from Mark Coneely of Normanton's best group, Primitive). But now to close (thanks to Michael Lynch of Yardley, Birmingham) our favourite message NO MESSAGE on Elvis Costello's 'Radio Radio' single. Ha bloody ha.