No. 1 Paul Colbert: 'Rules Of The Universe': (a) There is always a class spaz and everyone knows he's secretly scabby. Geography teachers are the most sadistic. PE teachers smoke, (b) It will rain the day you have your haircut, (c) There is a stipulation in the McDonald's contract of employment which permits only the spottiest recruits to serve behind the counter.

No. 2 Tony Bacon: 'Rules Of The Universe': (a) One person's rule is another person's foot, (b) We're all sensitive people with so much to give, (c) It'll happen when you're least expecting... shit, what was that?

Bosun Jon Lewin: 'Rules Of The Universe': Anything you have or do is always either too big or too small for the purpose for which it was intended, unless you can find something else that it will fit, in which case it isn't. Is it?