Buskers make a fortune, don't they? All those Americans to yodel at in the Underground Stations. To prove it, we asked Licenced Street Performer and registered Human Work Of Art A3507/J (real number withheld at owner's request) to turn out his pockets on the One Two workbench.

"Yeah, this is an average day's takings, after I've deducted overheads. Mainly pigeons, that is. When they're overhead you have to deduct the poo from your cap with a warm spoon.Soap's expensive.

"Yanks are best, they don't really know what they're giving 'cos they're unfamiliar with the currency. I've had them give me pound coins, fivers, passports, manhole covers, shrimplets, you name it. Fortunately they save the check trousers for taxi drivers."

20 Drachma — "One of the first lessons you learn — never knock yourself out for a tanned Englishman, he's usually on his way back from three sun-drenched weeks in Woppos, Knobos, Domestos or somewhere Greek. They throw these at you because they can't change 'em up at the bank. Worth 1½p with a wind behind it."

20 Pfennigs — "I wasn't actually presented with this one. A bloke in leather trousers fell down the stairs at Charing Cross and it rolled out of his pocket. Or he might have been using it as a temporary filling. That Black Forest Gateaux kills your molars."

Bent spare string — "Another busk.. er Licenced Street Performer gave me that one when I nicked his pitch next to the toilets at Hammersmith. When I go swimming you can see exactly where he gave it to me."

Two keys — "They're mine. I put them in me hat to keep it weighed down. Makes people sympathetic. They think I live in a satchel."

20 Centimes — "Tight French git slung me this. Mot many people know that French coins dissolved in water will give you water with a rusty bit of metal at the bottom."

A headache tablet — "An old Alky friend gave this to me."

Tube ticket — "I was in Piccadilly Underground when some daft bint shoved it in my paw and said why wasn't in uniform like the rest of the guards. Got me own back. Did 'er for excess fare on account of having crossed two more zones between the escalator and the toilet."

Screw top from a bottle of wine — "An old doctor friend gave this to me."

Top of an Ilford HP5 film canister — "There was this photographer came down from The Stun, said he'd blow the lid off 'The Cold, Cruel World of the Busker', if I'd say I was sacked by Bob Geldof. This is the lid he blew for me."

Button — "Never, never throw buttons away when someone drops them in your titfer. They make very good sandwiches between two slices of active vest with a navel-fluff garnish. And sometimes if you're very lucky, the clever berk who threw them at you will only make it to the crisp machine before his trousers fall down."

A Guinness token — "An old alcoholic doctor friend gave this to me, I think."