Yes! It's time for more ridiculous products that neve changed the course of musical history!

NO. 52 THE HOMIBOX ROADIES' FAG PACKET

Roadies! If you can't read, get one of the swats in the group to read this out to you. Keyboard players are usually a safe bet when it comes to reading ability, but not when it comes to that fiver they owe you, right?!? Roadies! This is the present you cannot afford not to buy yourself! You're always losing that packet of Marlboro, aren't you? Putting it down at the soundcheck, leaving it around at hump-in time, forgetting whose hotel room you left it in - does this sound familiar? All right! And it's always the pack with 'the special cigarette' in it, yes? Your cares are over! The device on the left slips into your regular fag pack, pictured right. Turn the key, and the pack will never go missing again. For with one bleep from your supplied satin-jacket-pocket-sized Bleepomodule, the pack will reveal its location by blaring out 'Whole Lotta Love' at an ear-shattering 25 watts RMS! The complete Homibox kit costs just £349.95.

NO. 23 THE MIDICONCERT LIVE RECORDING SYSTEM

The latest very complicated MIDI technology, understood only by Californian boffins and a handful of top-secret robots, brings you this fabulous new live recording system! The picture shows a typical live situation using the new hardware. Put simply (seeing as you're merely musicians and can't hope to comprehend the fiendish technical wizardry involved), a single keyboard centre-stage plays back specially generated random music codes (via MIDI) through the huge banks of MIDI speakers each side of the stage. This superb musical performance is captured on specially developed hard discs and is stored via racks of digital equipment hidden under the stage. Thus the musicians can stay at home and watch "Dallas", allowing the use of adventurous, spacious stage sets (as seen in action here). No audience is necessary either: (1) they would seriously interfere with the acoustics of the performance, and anyway (2) undetectable realistic applause samples are built into the MIDIconcert system generator. (Thanks to Depop Records for permission to use the live picture taken during their recent Live In Japan recording.) The MIDIconcert System costs just £99,999.95.

NOT EVEN A BIT

NO.36 THE DEMOGEM A&R BRIEFCASE

For the busy A&R person with a lifestyle to match! This fabulous luxury briefcase in trendy black leather-style finish has a special feature that you the A&R man-about-town will not be able to resist. Notice the precision-drilled speaker grille on the front of this enviable piece of executive travelware? That's its secret weapon! All you do is this: go into the A&R office bright and early, close the door behind you, and put your Demogem Briefcase under your desk. Press the Play switch on the side, and hey presto! the Demogem starts playing 15-second bursts of pre-recorded demo-style music with suitable pauses in between, for an infinite period (thanks to Tape-o-Loop technology). This allows you, the hard-pressed A&R person at the heart of the hectic music biz, to leave the office and have 'long lunches' with your mates from the other record companies, while your underlings and colleagues back at the office will presume from the sounds in your room that you're hard at work assessing that ever-increasing pile of demo tapes! Yowzah! And all for just £1249.95.