SUNDAY - ONE TWO tv

6.35 Good Morning Breakfast!

Special Rock Week edition presented by Selekta Spot and Anne Hexagonal.

Rock News with Leonid Serious 6.30, 7.00, 7.30, 8.00, 8.30, 9.00
Drug Availability from Doctor Spliff (on the hour, or thereabouts).
Pop Video with guest presenter Orson Welles 7.55.
Equipment Round-up from Roland Eight-Oh-Rat 7.07, 9.09.
Your Rock Stars with today's large flabby person 8.33.
Guest of the day: Bob Dylan (time to be announced).
9.25 Rock News Headlines with Rick and Gary, OK?

9.30 Rick and Gospel

with Jesus Christ of Nazareth
In this morning's programme Jesus Christ of Nazareth and some of the world's finest electro-gospel acts bring you more contemporary music from the pre-Christian era. Today's show spotlights use of original contemporary instruments, including lightning-bolt effects unit, real-time sampling of ocean-parting, and the rhythmic beating of stone tablets, or "chips".
Sound: Special Arrangement
Lighting: A close relative
Editor: James I
Repeat

10.30 Ear Ole

NICKY PAINE gets the ball rolling with an hour's live music, interviews, news, and a procession of people who seem so excruciatingly appalling at their job that even your mild-mannered mum is considering hiring a flamethrower this morning to join in the wacky, bizarre goings-on that make Ear Ole a pain in the retina and your TV a pile of molten plastic and scorched glass.
Editor: The man at the door who checks your name on a long list and moans quite a lot of the time
Director: Someone else
Producers: Left ages ago
Executive producer: No-one admitting to it this week

11.30 Bonkers Plays Pop

starring Keith Bonkwin
with guests Paul Young, and chart-topping groups Mrs Smith's Embryos.
Bonkers presents yet another top pop spectacular which could well be the last in what seems an interminable series. Keith's two teams, the Reds and the Other Ones, battle it out in a barrel of boredom.
Designer: Harry's Paint & Decorate (Cheap)
Executive producer: John Impressivemiddlename Smith
Producer: Mr Smith
ABC Madagascar Repeat

12.00 Beatcollege

Join Delores, Nigel and Peter on the Beatcollege "sleazy-style rock'n'roll beatnik concert-type" set, and learn right now how to wrench pleasing noises from a banjo, a washboard and a Fairlight.
Produced, written, teased into shape, thought up, worked out, cajoled, argued and everything else by: Chris Borrowed-from-another-programme.

12.30 Rock News Just A Bit After Mid-day

with Leonid Serious
Leonid Serious reports on pubs at home and abroad, with special emphasis given to the music played in, near, or rather a long way from them.
Plus a guide to this week's Chart Return Shops; Doctor Spliff's popular "Afternoon Joint" feature, and lots of pictures of foreigners shooting other foreigners.
Programme editor: Wouldn't put money on it.
BRN Production

1.30 The Three O'Clock Video: "The Mars Stack"

starring Jim Mars
Jimi Hendargs, the former lover of the next door neighbour's dog's de-licer, is about to set off on a journey around the cosmos which involves some low-budget, unconvincing computer graphics done on Kevin's Spectrum (the early model without the mains lead) and ends up with Kevin's dad holding up a card with "The End" felt-tipped on to it.

Jimi Hendargs	Jim Mars
James Hendargs Senior	Petula Cooper-Clarke
Back-of-the-lotty salesperson	Erica Dixie
Blarg, emperor of Mars	Dave Blargs
Her Indoors	Vena Verna
Kevin	Kevin Surname
Kevin's Dad	Kevin Surname's Dad
Dog	Max Cayman

Screenplay: Paul More
Director: Ken Russ
Repeat

4.00 Entertainment USSR

Presented by Joan Royal from the Gulag Archipelago. Share in the rich musical heritage that our friends and allies across the steppes treat pretty much as an everyday event, but to our ears sound better than any of the so-called "jazz-rock" or "country and western" that emanates from beyond the Atlantic Curtain. Plus a competition from Alexei Mussolini about repeating jokes.
Executive producer: Mike Bung
Producer: Leonid Serious
Repeat

5.15 The Long Cardboard Thingy With A Hole In Each End

A live broadcast of TV's most popular magazine-type bit and that with the you know bloke going on about his trousers and that what's-she-called it's got a lot of Ls in it saying this is oh no it's not it's someone else oh you know oh how did I get a job with the TV company when I'm not totally suited to well it's back to Julia who's got that lovable group from Liverpool or is it Glasgow that's more, you know, "in" at the moment? Don't miss it!
Presenters: Anything that vaguely moves
Live from The Tyne
An Ps Ts Production

6.30 Pop Pop Pop Pops

A live edition
Introduced by Jimmy Savage and Peter Foul
The top-selling beat records for the over-50s. Today's edition comes live (ish) from the Thames Ditton Retired Music Biz Cats' Social Club, so the miming will be even more obvious than usual.
Sound: Him with the earplugs
Lighting: Her with the Dolby shades
Designer: Him... oh! Ok, him then
Director: Er, that makes it him
Executive producer: Let's see, er, could you do that? Then that'll be a job each, all right?
An expensive video, produced independently by Patel's Grocers, Take-away And Video Emporium Inc (Seychelles) 1982 Ltd, is available only by mail order from another magazine. (Order number: PGTAVEISNL 0002—VHS, or P GTAVEISNL 0001—Beta.)

6.55 NEW SERIES Kapow!!

The new TV magazine programme for the relatively un-hip budding musician. New big size! Several wonderful original "new" titles! Even a few tired and tried techniques! The team of presenters varies according to the incomprehensible whims of the producer, but today we'll probably have someone along to talk about, oh, almost everything a budding musician would probably be interested in, really. Strings, watts, simplifiers, that sort of thing. Oh just bloody watch it would you! You make me sick you viewers — sink back in your easy chair, with your bleedin' Walkman still on, open a can of beer, and take the piss. Oh, very easy. You just try it one day, that's all. Go on, you make a programme. Huh, not as easy... well that's OK. But you couldn't hope to keep... actually that's quite good. Look, er, would you just put these headphones on and sit there? Jolly good, oh that's absolutely exquisite. If only Sir Hugh could see OOOOOH I say that's jolly marvellous. Thanks awfully old chap. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, not at all, you just stay there. I'll get you some more cans of beer, no, no, no, no, no, no, I insist.

7.55 There's One Born Eight Times A Week

Rob "Teleprompt" Dense and his wily yet reflective guests The Right Hon Rodney Smythe-Smith-Smythe of Riff Cliche and the Three Chord Tricksters, Mabel of Mabel and the Socialists, and Radio One producer Norman Tebbit, take a look (and a listen!) to this week's main rock and pop events, the new Bob Dylan releases, Bob Dylan films, concerts, books, and several weeks' videos of previous editions of There's One Born Eight Times A Week.
Executive producer: Michael E Parlophone
Producer: Trevor The Dustbin Man

8.40 What The Papers Say

A journalist explains why his fashion and pop comic knows more about what's really fashionable in three London clubs and why that makes any difference at all to anyone other than those who already go to three clubs in London. Plus: Chris Bomb goes on for several hours about nothing in particular and gets a company car.
Research: The bloke in Merrick's newsagent.
Director: The same
Producer: That too
Repeat

9.00 Rock Quiz

"What are the 39 Steps?" and "Who played that bit you can hardly hear on the fade-out of the bootleg version of Nat Lust's 1958 hit 'There's Only One Thing I Hate More Than Studios And That's F***ing Know-All Engineers'?" are just two of the questions that Mike Can't-Read will have to memorise for tonight's star-studded contest.
The teams:
Clint Surname (captain) with Bob Dylan and Peter Clarke.
Garree "Throb" Murphett (captain) with Bruce Springsteen and a cardboard cut-out of Princess Margaret.
Repeat

9.30 News At Nine-Thirty

All the rock news from around the world, presented by highly-trained people who steal things from other programmes. So where did news start? I mean, who made the first news story that everyone's been stealing and changing slightly each time, ever since? Adam and Eve, that's who mate! Plus: the most embarrassing gig of the evening so far, incorporating Electrocution Gazette. And: Doctor Spliff's late night line-up.

10.00 The Ancient 30%-Black Whistling Testicle

Those amiable old bozos Bip and Bop choose their favourite Bob Dylan tracks and crack a few tubes of Barbican before losing their script and falling off their chairs. Poor old morons! Plus: tonight's special feature on new musical instrument technology, with special guest Orville Gibson.
No direction, minimal production, miniscule budget, dwindling viewers.
Repeat

10.30 The Fall-Asleep Movie: "I Bought A Second-Hand Burns Bass"

starring Lee Marvin
Katharine Hepburn
Paul Newman
It isn't an easy purchase. Len the shop assistant wants £25, but Sedge only has a 20p luncheon voucher he found on the way to cash his Giro. It's a desperate yet gripping scenario, and Sedge's problems increase when he befriends a gay tour operator who falls victim to a terrible bout of intergalactic violence...

Len Patel	Lee Marvin
Sedge Needs-Trimming	Katharine Hepburn
Sandy Operator	Paul Newman

Screenplay: The one with the braces
Based on a classified newspaper advert by:
Andrew (evenings)
Produced by: Little Effort (New York) Inc
Directed by: Some old has-been with alimony to pay.
Repeat

11.55 Wake Up Again, It's Me!

Rock week plods to a stall as Jimmy Clive presents his individual view of rock and pop people and events. His guests tonight are his bank manager, someone he met at the gig last night but can't quite remember now, and some woman who wandered in the back door thinking it was a rehearsal studio.
Research: Several thousand low-paid YOPs workers.
Director: Clarke Several-Houses
Producer: Maurice Many-Villas
Executive producer: Ian Continent
Repeat

1.00am Night Lines

with Doctor Spliff

and

Crashout.

CHANNEL One Two tv continues overleaf...